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Monthly Archives: November 2009

Snoz-o-leum

Okay so – I know it has been a while – to say the least we have been busy.    We have been so busy that I am basically buying everything I can online: shampoo, groceries, clothing, etc. I outsource my housecleaning and yard work. I got Landon a “play” broom — freudian – perhaps, but it works.   I think if I could outsource urination, I would (and for me that is about 30% of my day.)  TMI!

 Landon and I took a fun trip to celebrate Grandpa’s 70th birthday in Capon Springs.   Her cousins were there which made it that much better.  Landon had her fill of home cooking.   She got to play shuffleboard and ping pong and visit a pig farm. 

 Perhaps the thing that has kept us most busy is my nose.  Yes my nose.   We updated you that I was having some pretty bad nosebleed issues.  Long story still long – I needed deviated septum surgery.  The cause was a nasty bike accident (translate to faceplant on the asphalt).  So many years later, I am having nose major issues (not to mention the psychological damage I have internalized as a result of being ignored by my parents while they were inside drinking martinis J)

  I have dreaded this day for years, knowing that I am claustrophobic and the packing involved.  Thankfully technology has eliminated the 6 feet of gauze.    Daddy came in to help take care of Ms. Landon and me; it was a huge help and also a lot of fun.  So 8/28, I had my surgery.  Went well until the doctor actually got in my nose to find that it was broken in not one but four places. 

I prepped Landon by saying Mommy has an oui.  She didn’t really understand and tried to put a bandaid on my nose while I was still in an anesthesia induced coma.  WAA!  So they shove 2 ½ inch stents up your nose for 12 days.   You can breathe but not great and have bloody crust and massive amounts of mucus offendus (boogers) of which you are not allowed to blow for 4 weeks.  Get the picture.   Tres Sexy!  Landon wanted to know why “you got choclot in chor nose” and if she too could have some too.

 During the initial couple of weeks I was not to pick up Landon at all – which was hard to explain and really did not happen.  Also, she kicked me twice dead center of my nose.   I believe I saw our maker both times through the sparkling stars.  Yowza! 

 So 12 days later, I get the stents out.  That part was relatively uneventful. Then the cute doctor dug to China in my nose (which he called “cleaning it out”). It hurt so bad I had to have the assistant hold me down   He sucked out the blood and remnants (isn’t that disgusting!) Doctor shows me part of his retrieval and his assistant (clearly skilled in the art of communication) says “that looks like a slug”.   I advised him that if he did not stop he would see the resurrection of Linda Blair ….in 3D.   He did help wipe away my tears and apologized for the torture.  It is sooooo obvious he has a TOTAL crush on me. 

 Doctor cleared me to do most anything at this point except head butt Landon or fall (that last one is frightening given my clumsy nature).  He also says he will have to do another surgery to get that scar tissue lying somewhere near the Great Wall. 

 He tells me to check my air flow and I am floored.  Sans the stents… I mean it is just dramatic. I told him “I think you didn’t close something up – it is like there is a hole in there or something, like an echo”. 

Please refrain from comment – it is just too easy.

 When all is said and done, I am to have 75% more air flow – expect to blow right past Lance in the next tour.  I will also nose swelling for 2 months and little sense of smell for 3 months, which means I am switching from a Jordan Cabernet to Boones Farm as I cannot tell the difference. 

 Lots of road work around our house these days – which Landon refers to as “it dirty mommy”.  Back out of the driveway and am surprised at the mounds of dirt under my car.  I mean it was really bumpy.  Alerted by the neighboring car, I looked in the rear view mirror to see myself dragging a large orange pylon down 6th avenue. 

 I am late to pick up Landon and pull over to pry it free, car running, emergency brake not engaged and I am just about laying under the car trying to pry this 3 foot piece of candy corn from my car.  It is like super wedged in there. The man whose yard I am parked in front of suggests I should turn the car off and engage the break unless I want to be a flatsy doll (remember those?) that is, of course, when he can actually stop laughing.  Turn off the car and try again.  Using my large Ralph Lauren horse boots leveraged against a small pine tree – WAP!  Finally I am free and I leave the orange scraps as a souvenir for my rude neighbor. 

 In school Landon is learning how to call 9-1-1 and what to do when if there was a fire – Stop, Drop and Roll. She really enjoys it and practices it all the time.  If you are not watching and she tries it, you too will be practicing the stop, drop and roll.

 I am also trying to teach Landon her full name.  So we practice.  Landon, what is your name, I ask her in Target.    Landon Ozzzzzy.  And what is Mommy’s name I say.  She rolls her eyes and says “um its Mommy Ozzzzy”  Okay—well I cannot really argue with that and it does get quite the chuckle out of the guy in the cereal aisle.

 Landon has been pretty healthy this summer but is just starting to fight a cold.  I explained that I was giving her medicine for her drippy nose.  Turning to get her water to wash it down, I catch her just in time before she pours the Benadryl in her nose.   Oops!  This from me she listens to – when don’t run in the street, wash your hands, etc., she ignores entirely. 

 Also I got to sit on jury duty. They said it was a short 1-2 day trial – but, of course, lasted over a week at perhaps the worse possible time (end of quarter, between nose surgeries, shoot me now)   Worse of all I had to cancel a hair appt I have had for 8 weeks. Absolute blasphemy!

 When the judge asked us if anyone could not be impartial in this case, I saw some serious crazy.   This large African American man dressed in a sports jersey wearing a shower cap (oh I am TOTALLY serious), topped with a baseball cap says – “me, I do.  Yo honor – that dude there, the prosecutor dude – he is Lucifer.  I saw the devil go in his body when we walked in to the room”.  Judge says, not missing a beat  — “you are excused sir”.  Yea, ya think?  I really feel I had a much more valid reason to skip jury duty as the full 6 days, I was imagining my luxurious locks freshly cut and colored and unable to pay attention to the facts at hand.

 From an anatomy perspective, Landon can name most of her body parts (I am certain that makes you all proud).  I have read various books on what you call the “private areas”.  We steer away from the most potentially offensive. She does know Breast and Belly and which is which (although on me, it does require her glasses to truly discern one from the other).  It is embarrassing as you never know when she will recall a lesson such as at the Safeway when she says pointing “e breast and dis is e belly”.

 To round out the snoz-o-leum, surgery #2 to get that scar tissue was Friday. Cute doctor walks in to surgery #2 with an anesthesiologist.   HOTTIE!  What is the deal with that? My first anesthesiologist was hot too.  Is that part of the entrance exam.   Yes indeed you are HOT young man, you may proceed to Aneshesia 101. Whatever it is, me likes it.

 So my doctor reviews what he is doing and then snickers.  Excuse me – I am not thinking that this pending excavation is humorous.  “You were funny last time” he says.  Excuse me I manage and then ask if I made an arse of myself.  You were just funny he says; it was like you had 10 martinis (not 2, 3 or even 4 but 10) and the filters all came off.  He laughs.  OMG. What did I say?  I probably professed my undying love or asked them to get George Clooney’s number in there so we could make babies.  Doc says there was no tape recorder in there but smiled as he said so.

 
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Posted by on November 18, 2009 in Uncategorized

 
 
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