Monthly Archives: April 2010

Heading out on Saturday to Moldova.   YAHOO!  I arrive on Sunday, pick her Monday.  Tuesday we fly to Romania.  Wednesday we have our embassy and doctor visits.  Thursday we start our relaxing journey home .  OMG OMG OMG.  I’ll be sending updates as it gets closer.  So excited.   I am packing all my crap and all her crap and trying to do it in two bags b/c I am tooo cheap to pay the 150.00 for 1 teensy weensy 24 inch bag.  LOOOOOOOFTHANSA!   Thats how they say it.  They do have good booze I have to say (you know that is what I hear anyway)

Landon is getting excited.  Tonight she told me that she wanted to go to Old McDonalds for dinner.    When we got home she said “Mommy where all my french fries?”    “I um… err… don’t know honey…” wiping grin and grease from chin.

 Hi.

 Headed to beautiful Moldova on May 1 (Happy Birthday to me).  I am bringing home Tennyson.  YAHOOO!  So yes, I am excited and tired, nervous, happy, stressed, tense, blah blah blah.

 People keep asking me what Landon thinks of a new sister.  “Is she acting out at all?  Does she say she doesn’t need a sister, etc.”  Of course I have answered No emphatically all along. Not my daughter.    And I will say that she has a picture of Tennyson which she sleeps with. She says “Mommy I LUUUUUV Tenson…you go get her”.  Very very cute.  Then she says “I put blanket on her head”.  The last one concerns me a bit. 

 So today things are changing a bit.    Time for nap – my VERY favorite time of the day. Landon wants to stretch out on my bed instead of hers.  You know whatever will get her to go to sleep – FINE!  I check on her about 20 minutes later anxiously awaiting the sweet face of my cherub only to find her evil twin covered in white cream.  Solid white face – flashback to Noxema. Oh but wait, she has also painted my silk bedspread (shut up … I know… when I bought a silk bedspread I did not have kids..) and then of course on my matching chenille pillows.  OMG!  Seriously P-O’d.  “LANDON!  What the h……. what were you thinking?  What?  WHAT?  WHAT?”  I cannot speak…. I am sooooo mad…   Perhaps there is a reasonable explanation.  Perhaps she thought a good coat of Sensual Sandalwood (plushpotions.com – you must try it!) would even out the fabric wrinkles. 

 So …. As I am doing my chores to recover from the lotion incident (heretofore as it will be known)… Landon watches a movie – really a Dora mini moves (when Landon says ARRIBA ARRIBA w/ Dora it will about make me pee in my pants).  I walk in to check on the little spite (cherub is now a sprite please note).  I find her with her sippy mug – she has moved the straw and is slinging water all over the TV and couch.  Sprinting in to action, I end up on my BUTT as I have encountered the largest portion of her water sling fest with my big damn feet. 

The day went like this until the little demon (personality evolving) ended up climbing on the bathtub ledge to get my razor to shave her legs after, of course, using my bobbi brown facial cleaner to wash Ariel and all the other water friends. 

SO YES…. Landon is showing out a bit.   I can only imagine what it will be like when Tennyson is home.

 I am preparing for my trip to Moldova and ended up w/ a business trip to Atlanta last week.  Yes it was bad timing but… I love my job and it was a good meeting.

Now I was a presenter for a portion of this session. Not the main guy… but up in front a good group of people for a couple of days.  Just prior to my first session, I scooted out to a quick lunch at Cheesecake Factory with some work girlfriends.  As we walk in (through the Sears entrance because all execs go in through Sears), my friends says   “Kelly you sat in something”.   Dust off my butt…. “nooooo gurl…. I am serious… you sat on something…”  More insistently I brush off my bum – must be dust.  “Kelly it’s a lot – seriously a lot”.  I search through my purse for a mirror. I am going to put the mirror to my butt so I can look and see how bad this stain is.  We are still walking during all of this in the parking lot.   My friend then says “let me take a picture w/ my phone”  WHAT???  Ah… no.  “No let me take a picture and then you can see it”  And yes… we are still walking in from the parking lot..  “No way… no way… you are not taking a picture of my butt”.   

She gets really close getting her camera phone ready and says “OH MY GOD – it’s a hole….  You have like 10 little holes in your pants…. That’s your butt…..thats your butt…”  OK you can imagine… my supportive friends all laughed their non-exposed asses off.   I didn’t believe her… tried to wrench my back so I could see (some new yoga pose I think I just created).    Finally I believe her, when I find I can stick my index finger all the way through my pants.  OMG OMG – mad dash through Macys, panting….. looking for a sales clerk, perspiring, can’t help but notice the new INC spring launch as I whiz by.  I end up with a calvin klein poorly made pair of brown pants on sale for 29.98.  Whew!

 Rounding a week of fun, Friday night I get a call at 4:20 a.m.   Yeehaw!  A booty call for me…..  “hel…hell…helloo”  “who dis?  Who phone?”  “Huh?”  “Who dis?  I need Ketty”  Its Moldova calling. 

“Albina…. Is that you?”  “jes…jes… Ketty is Albina.  I need copy you passport… I need now…  You send?”   Say what?  We go back and forth because speaking Russian to tired southern lady woken from a dead sleep – well the results could be pretty bad.  

“ketty you send now.  I have translator call”

Click.  BRRRINNNNG!  BRRRRINGGG!

“Ketty dis Angela… I need passport copy for baby adoption… need now”

You know I got that part.

BRRRINNG!  BRIING!  Oh looky there… another call from moldova coming in on the other line.  Click Over…. Albina… “Kelly translator – she call?  You send…important… now… sorry Ketty”
Click – back to Angela… “send now… Ketty”.

So I get out of bed… get my passport out of the safe… scan it in…. email it over.  Okay… as I walk upstairs, I remember that they already have this… I sent it months ago.  God only knows where it is….. It is after all… Moldova again.

 So there is our latest just before we launch in to next trip – Operation Bring Home Tennyson.

Hi all –

We hope this finds you well. We have moved to Alaska since our last update. Not really… however… we have had such frequent snow in the last 6 weeks, it has seemed so.

We are clearly living the high life here in Denver as you will soon see.

Landon continues to excel in school. She is getting better at her colors, sort of… She thinks everything is BLUE – that is what she says…. “Landon, honey what color is the grass” “BOO Mommy…” Well no… “Landon what color is your dress” “BOO Mommy” No again…it is pink. Your dress is always pink. “Landon what color of that string cheese?” “Boo Mommy”.. Oh dear she is right – best not to eat that one. Anyway… we continue to try.

Landon is now an avid user of Bobbi Brown now. I found her a couple of weeks ago with the entire left side of her face covered in brown. I thought she had fallen in dirt. Oh no… It was only my champagne shimmer lipstick… extra shimmery to make skinny lips look full. She says “look Mommy – pretty?!” NO…………. Not Champagne Shimmer. It is gone – totally gone, concave in fact. I know to some (heathens) it is only lipstick. GASP! It is just such an effort for me to get to the mall to replace it. I decide to try. I took Landon to the mall to get my replacement shimmer stick. This is a short trip… what can go wrong… Queue JAWS music….

I go to the Bobbi counter – Landon in tow – using my phone to do God only knows what. I ask for my champagne shimmer and am so excited I can hardly stand it. I tell the girl behind the counter how it is the perfect shade and has changed my life. She says…. “ well, uh… we… like… discontinued it” Meanwhile Landon is doing figure 8’s through my legs and periodically slamming her head in to “the downstairs area’. I beg the woman for a replacement – “do you have partially used one?” “can you call Bobbi personally and get me one?” You know – this is serious. Landon now reaches for the counter and a 50.00 blush brush, which is so large you can also use it to groom a horse. My groveling continues.

So the net is there is no champagne shimmer, there will never be a champagne shimmer, champagne shimmer is dead…. Dead, do you hear me? Services to be held next week. It was discontinued, just like everything else I have ever had any fondness for: Warners crossover Chantilly lace bra, estee lauder pink organza lipgloss, Hit or Miss no run panty hose and even the entire store (the whole chain closed down for heavens sake), Java Creek restaurant, and Bobby Sherman (he is a paramedic now… did you know that?)

So there you have it – I have plain lips and am wondering if I will every again get my mojoe back. I drop Landon off at school which starts with Landon propelling a piece of maple stuffed French toast at my head. She says “I sorry Mommy” but I am not so sure. We finger dance to Mercy by Duffy and then do wop hum to Little Saint Nick as we go to school. And yes I know it is now May but she likes it. Have you gotten the complete picture of the excitement? So I take Landon in the building and I get back in my car to try to scrap the maple syrup out of my hair. I notice that I am being noticed by a man next to me. Oooohh… maybe I do still have it??? He opens the door, hops in his car doing the I’m looking at you but not really looking dance … then abruptly gets out. I am certain he has forgotten his kid’s blanket (which will make more a most unpleasant day all around). He looks at me again, then looks embarrassed… and sprints to another car altogether, gets in car #2 and hides his head. The poor man totally got in the wrong car and tried to start it and all because I have so much mojoe. Could you just die???

Ok, I am quite aware that this man is probably sleep deprived and that it had nothing to do with me – just let me have this little bit of fantasy… remember I was finger dancing earlier..

And then again I try taking Landon shopping. Yes, it is true…I just really am not that smart. As the last man who showed any interest in me cannot even find his own car, I am still unsure of my mojoe level. I position Landon in front of the three way with her washable crayons so I can kind of see her. I see a tall handsome man from my gym. Excitement ensues. I am a little twitterpated, and proceed to fall off my clog. He does not see but Landon does. “bad shoes…not nice” she says. Tall handsome man is with a child and woman. Ham! He is married (remember we are not cursing here – so Ham is code for another bad word). He proceeds to tell me how that is his sister and nephew. So see he is interested and sort of flirting with me. Score! I am elated. Just then my friend who works in this store comes and pulls me to the side (probably to tell me how my mojoe has permeated the entire store). Jaidene says “they told me to watch that guy”. I said “I know, he is cute and I think he likes me”.
She continues “well that is nice because he is a shoplifter”. SPIT! I cannot believe this. I hide in the dressing room where I can see Landon’s feet as she lays coloring. I start to try on a new top as I am now depressionary shopping and new things will help me stay in denial of my lack of mojoe. She is quick though and flings open the saloon door to my dressing room. I am sporting only a bar and not a new one at that. Hit the deck. Hit the deck. And I did… Then I grab her feet and drag her in the with me, covering my ta ta’s with someone’s leftover tried on sweater. I am just done! I ask Jaidene for a dewars with a twist but all I got was the twist. We just left – I mean where can this go?

Time for Landon’s bath (for which sleep will follow). Hallelujah! I say “okay, c’mon, lets hurry and get our bath. Now scoot, hop in” And she does – runs in – halls booty and jumps in, clothes, diapers, shoes, everything on. I guess it is efficient but not what I had in mind. Picture attached.

Uncle Kim came to visit – we had a ball. Landon keeps asking for him, looks under the bed and behind the couch as if I am hiding him.

Landon celebrated earth day with her class recently. They all had hats made of various leftover materials. Then go on a parade. Parade, let me translate, means a jaunt around the school with 50 kids doing whatever they want, while 10 adults try to catch them. Hysterical! Then they have to spend the rest of the afternoon in the dark – no lights – sort of Daniel Boone. You will see a sample of their outfits. When I saw Landon, I said “she looks like a recycled Pochantes”. Tell me you do not agree.

We are fine, we are well, we are happy. I hope you all are too.

So hello all – to say the least we have been busy.

I arrived home from Moldova thankful to be home and cozy with my baby and mayonnaise free food.  How those people every poop, I cannot conceive.  I didn’t see a whole grain or dark leafy vegetable in 6 days and I truly believe that all that mayonnaise is clogging to path of natural elimination.

 I am planning my next trip (Operation Bring Home Tennyson) for the end of April/early May.  I totally cannot wait to spend my birthday in an airplane 20 hours.  What fun.

 Our friend Lori explained to Landon during my trip that I was going to visit her sister and doing lots of paperwork.  So just about daily Landon asks as we leave for school or Target (my personal heaven and portal to my financial demise) “You do paperwork Mommy?”  It gives me a good chuckle because we all know that the road to CEO is lined with much paperwork.

 I call Landon my sweet child (which applies a good bit of the time, less and less as she has been 3 but…) Lately as she goes off to bed she says “Mommy chu my tweet child”.  You know I often do feel like the child or pack mule – one of the two.  And I should add that this applies when I can actually get her to bed.  Often the scenario is:

• “Landon time for bed”
• “Mommy I not tired”
• “Landon come brush your teeth.”
• “Mommy I hungry”
• “No you aren’t Landon”
• “Mommy I want cereal”
• “Landon time for bed”
• “Mommy I want yogurt with sprinkles”
• “Landon time for bed – NOW’
  “Mommy I want cereal”
• “MOMMEEEEEEEEE – I so berry hungry”
• “WAAAAA”
• “No Landon – bed NOW”
• “MOMMEEEEEEEEEEEEE I tirsty”
• “MOMMMEEEEEE”
• “MOMMMEEEEEE”
• “MOMMMEEEEEE”
• “MOMMMEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!”
• “Landon… eat your cereal”

 How does this happen?  I don’t cave all the time but I am afraid she will starve to death at times (NOT) and you know I have very important paperwork which required my focus. J

 I have deduced that Clooney is crazy!    Recently while working I heard a commotion upstairs.  We have had some break-ins in the “hood” so I am on mega alert.   I grab my  Extra Large MagLite Flashlight and begin my journey in to the terror of the unknown intruder.  ….it  is in Landon’s room…. How dare they?  Maglite raised and in position for quick strike and maximum impact, I cross the threshold of her room.  The room is big mess – everything from her dresser is on the floor.  Wh … Wha…. What???  And there is Clooney…. I mean I think it is her … but its just her back …. What is going on?

Once the fog of terror lifts, I see the problem.  Clooney has somehow managed to get her head caught in a box of tissues.  I am guessing she fell off the dresser (knocking everything off)  trying to the box off her head.  How in the world does that happen?  I think the altitude has rendered her looney tunes.

 Landon is learning about being a big sister.  I have explained that Tennyson will be here soon, that I am going to get her.  We have discussed what a big help she will be to mommy.  She tells people “I big sister.  I so help Mommy.   I put blanket on my Tenson’s head”.  The last part concerns me just a bit.    When I ask her outright “do you want a sister Landon”, she says “ah…no… I want a brudder… named Sarah”.  No idea where that came from.

 Landon’s vocabulary is really expanding — she has quite the personality now.   She saw a painting I did (pre-kid of course).  She said “mommy you did dat?  I so proud of you.  You kill me”.  And yesterday I heard her say “sex” while listening to Lady Gaga.  Say What?  Switching to only Disney tunes for the foreseeable future.

 Our biggest news is that Landon had surgery on her eyes. She has had some crossing which didn’t seem to be getting a lot better. So Thursday we went to the hospital at 6:00 a.m.  She was very excited with all the attention.  She thought her hospital bracelet and astronaut gown were “cool Mommy”.  She did great until we went in to the OR and noticed all the equipment and looked at me like “what the hell is going on”.  You know you try to find some positive thing in most everything so… I thought well maybe I will meet a doctor or anesthesiologist. Mine this time just happened to be a woman.  And the doctor is a also a woman… I am all for equality here but lets remember who this is about…. ME.

 Any hopes of snagging a man while at the hospital were quickly dashed as I put on my attending mommy suit – solid white from head to toe paper jumpsuit, made of a professional grade tissue.  I requested something in “taupe….white is so harsh especially so early in the day”… I do not think they were amused.  They give Landon her strawberry scented oxygen mask which causes her eyes to roll back and then collapse.  I guess I then started to cry and shake and was suddenly encased by two nurses (yes… also women).  I was surprised at how teary I was – they told me all the Moms are like that.  Oh I see.

 Landon woke to quite a bit of discomfort – I walked in to hear her crying and screaming which sent me home to my earlier teary state. 

 Landon in hospital

She is really doing great.  Whiney and agitated but fine.  I know it hurts – there are stitches in her eyes.  Doctor thinks it went really well.  Whew!  She was actually fine until we went in to Target.  She had to pee pee.  Upon completion, she washed her hands per normal instruction but…. Gasp… caught her reflection in the mirror.  “MOMMEEEEEE!  MY EYES.   DEY SOOOOO RED”.  Actually I do have to say they are pretty much red all over the normal whites—so now we are obsessed w/ looking in the mirror.  Super.

 I do think she is on the upswing.  Friday after surgery, I had her set up comfortably resting and watching Bolt while I worked to pay the bills.  I came out to check on her to hear “Mommy look”  I notice the TV  is sporting Beechnut Fruitstripe gum in a sort of Pollock design.  Fuming I was…. As I spread the peanut butter on the TV to try to remove the gum, Landon said “Mommy I lick it?  I love peanut butter”.  You know… I am thinking she will be just fine.

 Love to all.

 Landon has taken up modeling sort of.   She will dig furiously through her dress up kit and then model her ensemble.  It is a little frightening the precision of her movement.  I am not sure where she is getting this.  They have a segment at school called dramatic play — must consult her teacher on this Paris Hilton education Landon seems to be getting.  The first time she says “thats hot” she is so out of there.

 Landon and I took a trip to Aunt Traceys. It was a combo work/play trip.  Work for me, play and spoiling for her.  I was wondering if she would reconnect with her 8 and 10 year old cousin until I saw all three of them running through the house screaming with diapers on their heads.   Class all around.  Picture attached.

 We have a new kitten.  Our sweet Bonnie passed at the end of February.  We got a rescue kitten — 10 weeks old.  HER name is Clooney after my future husband George. When we do marry her name will be Clooney Clooney or Clooney Squared. We will deal w/ the psychology issues of that when necessary. 

 I have forgotten how quick kittens are.  A couple of weeks ago, I was trying to get Landon out the door of the house by 6:15 a.m.   I was a little zombie-like so this was challenge. I open our bottom freezer to get Landon her fresh breakfast I make daily — frozen french toast sticks.  Then I give the freezer a good shove because it is so full of junk.  Clooney has gotten under the fridge — I can  hear her meow.  I can’t figure out how she flattened her body to 1/2 inch but it appears she has.  Well… I hear her but go about my business as my hand won’t fit under the freezer.  So I walk to the bathroom for more spackle and hear her meow’ing more and come in to see my 21 pound cat Clyde also meow’ing and pawing at the fridge.  I try again to get her out and cannot get my hand under the freezer. I figure if I open the freezer I may be able to create some space or leverage.  WEEELLLLLLL…. I open the freezer and out pops Clooney.  I shut her up in the freezer — no lie.   Please do not call PETA.  I am just lucky I didn’t leave the house.  Can you believe that!  She was chilled but ok (as it had only been about 45 seconds).  Whew!  That was a close one.

 Clooney jumps on the counters and table frequently.  I try to stop that behavior.  Bad Clooney I saw.  Landon, ever the helpful child, is at the ready to put her in timeout.  “cooooonie” she says….”TIMEOUT!! “  She even reaches for the timeout timer to help Clooney in her timeout.  She is quite aware of the timeout process as she appears to be the mayor of timeout town these days.  

 This two is tough.  Landon is very into doing things herself. “I DO IT MOMMY”  Okay then.  So I wait….. and wait….. and wait…. (imagine the jeopardy music playing and what the next question may be).  Then she will say “I help a you”, which means Help me mommy. 

 She will put her pants on herself. That is actually a good thing if you do it right. Trouble is she puts both feet in one leg of her pants and then has to hop around to move or will fall and then cry.  We will be good and ready for the mother daughter potato sack race when that time comes.  Also she will say “Mommy, you listen a me”.  I am sure she is getting that as I say it about 45 times a day to her.  

 So, we will remind you that we live in an old house — build in 1920.   It is “charming” — that is what it said online.  Charming means — this sucker will take all your money.

This old house is having plumbing issues– water slow draining in the tub and backing up w/ stuff that should NEVER come BACK into your house.  Landon would see the standing dirty STINKY water in the tub and say “Dat Gros Mommy, It Tinky”. No kidding honey, I have to clean it up.

 So it is getting bad and I vow to call the plumber tomorrow.   I know it will not hurt it if take a shower downstairs. It is late and Landon is sleeping.  I am really enjoying a moment of quiet at 12:15 in the morning.  I get out and hear water running, dripping. I am looking all over and don’t see anything.  Laundry room – Check, Kitchen – check.  Upstairs bathroom — oh SHIT.

 Well I guess this “small” blockage is really pretty significant, because I am looking at a bathroom covered in potty water as it has overflowed

 Plumber on speed dial for first thing in the a.m.

 1:00 a.m. to bed.  I have put my old DVD player on top of the upstairs toilet to deter me from pee’ing in it in the middle of the night.  I figure I will not pee on electronic equipment. 

 So I call the plumber man at 9:00 a.m. who says he will be right over. To those confused on what right over means — well that is 7 p.m.  Plumber man, Mike, arrives and starts to work @ 7:00 p.m. He finishes at 10:30 p.m.  Mike is now my friend on facebook.  I know that his sister stayed with him for 2 months after getting knocked up at 17, his favorite food is spaghetti with meatballs, he has no pets but had a cat as a child that he dearly loved, and the piece of equipment he is cleaning out my sewage lines which costs $30,000.00.  He asks me the last time I had the lines cleaned out before.  I say “huh”.  I explain that I have been here 7 years and can’t recall having done it. He explains further that if I cannot recall having a machine the size of a small washing machine in my basement sucking poop and pee pee out of my house, then I probably have not have it done.  I really like a smart ass when its me. 

After 3.5 hours of cleaning out blockages, Mike  made sure to show me the small Scottish Pine he found growing in my sewage line.

At the end of the  sewage excavation, he was dripping in sweat, had consumed a gallon of water, smelled like moldy cheese and says “I think we better get you on a maintenance plan”  Yea…. ya think?

 I have learned that there are ways to deal with being an older mom which I thought I would share because there are more older moms now.  I would not say I am the oldest mom at the school but… I am on the high side for sure. Now there are a lot more  older dads — which further speaks to the injustices of a male dominated world – but… I digress.  These are my tips for being an older mom.

1.         Hang out with ugly people.  Then other people won’t focus on how old you are; they will just talk about the ugly people around you.

2.         Wear nice clothes to draw attention away from your wrinkly face.

3.         For Gods sake, buy a moisturize and I don’t mean Nivea.

4.         Wear a baseball cap or any hat really – it brings the attention up and hides stuff that shouldn’t be seen.

5.         Find a dermatologist and get their frequent shopper card; you will need it.

6.         Bangs are your friend; they hide where nature was the least kind.

7.         Pull your hair UP in a real high tight pony tail – it lifts your whole face up (free facelift) – best to remove ponytail before migraine ensues.

8.         Have a small child – they put everything in perspective. You WILL laugh more.  You just won’t care and that’s cool.

9.         Sleep – -I have personally found this to be the best and hardest to find anti-aging tool

 Good Luck!

Hello all – I know it may shock you all but… we have been very busy.  

 I have been doing some business travel this month. One particularly fun trip was to Kansas.  I woke up early the morning of my flight, on schedule so far – one minute in to the day – so far, so good.  Landon fast asleep or so I thought.  I go in to begin the taming of last night’s hair only to discover I am having a nosebleed. Delightful.  Landon meanwhile as woken up at 5:00 a.m. and is calling for me.  I ask her to get out of her big girl bed and help me. She responds, ever thoughtfully, “NO”. 

 I do get my nosebleed to stop and manage to barely get Landon to school and me to the airport. Major roadwork on the worst day possible (isn’t that always the way).  I have checked in the night before (because I want to save that 23 seconds) but walk up to perhaps the longest queue at DIA (our airport) I have ever seen.  Good grief!  I make it by the skin of my teeth, am truly the last person to get on the flight. 

 The flight attendant comes up to me and says “You didn’t hear the announcement because you were the last one to board (am I being reprimanded??)  And then… she uttered the most frightening combination of words I think I have ever heard:

 ”both our lavatories are broken, you will not be able to use them during the flight” 
“excu…excuse me, wh… what… what?” 

“our bathrooms are broken, both of them. You won’t be able to use them during the flight”

“that is like an hour and a half.  Are you saying I cannot pee for 1 1/2 hours”
17B beside me thinks this is hysterical.

“Well actually” she says, “it is really one hour and 5 minutes plus taxi and takeoff”

Not helping Tiffany Amber Blondie.   “ma’am, that is like dog years to me. 1 hour of not using the bathroom for most is LIKE 7 to me”.  
“You can go to the restroom now if you want; we will wait”

 I look around to a cabin to eyes throwing daggers but man I got to go.

I dart off the plane and announce to 58 people that I do not know (thankfully) that it is in their best interest to let me go unless they want to use their personal floatation devices mid air.

 I mean is it even legal to fly without potties?  What if you have to circle because of weather issues or are rerouted because someone has a health issue???

And to top it off, I looked back later in the flight to see Tiffany pouring left over Pepsis in le’ toilet — the very one I couldn’t use.  Explain that.
 
So we also went to Hilton Head again to see Grandpa and Grandma Terri. I had to work, Landon got more spoiling.   Very fun trip. I was reminded of the humidity and how much my hair does NOT miss it.  Every summer in the south of the Summer of the Ponytail for me.
More travel fun….  On our way to Hilton Head, I asked for seats together for Landon and me. I asked when I bought the tickets, called to confirm and was assured we would be together.  At the airport checking in, I ask counter person to put us together. She says I will have to wait but she will try. 

Miffed, I ask her to clarify.  She says “well the flight is really full.  I will try to put you together but if I cannot, you will have to ask the passengers to move around”.

EXCUSE ME!

How does that work?  I hold up the entire line asking people one by one to get up for my 2 ½ year old daughter??

So I say to her “look MISS, if I don’t have to sit by my two year old and can be by myself having a glass of wine, that is a vacation to me.  Just let me know who is in 19B so I can give him the diaper bag”

She was not happy.    Eventually she did get us together but made me wait because I was pissy with her.   

When we return from our trip, I go downstairs and see that Clooney and Clyde have been in to my feather boa — why I have that would really require alcohol for all parties, so let’s just accept the fact that I do.
I see the feathers on the floor but as I look closer I realize they are much smaller and do not look like my feather boa.  Hmmm.. has the kitty sitter been in the house with a feather boa of a different color???  Or maybe Clyde dragged in some feathers in his furry mane.  I bend down to pick the feathers up and at that very point a bird flies by and virtually parts my hair dead down the center.  HUH?  I am freaking out — screaming — there is a disease carrying, Hitchcock The Birds movie, dirty – a bird! More screaming as he zooms past again in a frantic attempt for an open window.  AKKKK!  AKKKK!  AKKK!  Clyde I am going to kill you I scream.  Landon ever at the ready to aid in her mother’s distress calls out “Mommy stop dat screaming”.  We vacated the premises and went to eat while praying and leaving the door open.  It appears the bird found the way out as I have not found his dead and decaying carcass yet.
 
Landon’s words are expanding — combining several for sentences that sometimes make sense.  I put her to bed and she said “good night mommy, I love me”.  “Oh good honey, it is good to love ones self”.     

On the 4^th of July, Landon’s school had a mini concert outside.   An amazing music teacher choreographed the whole thing.  The finale was God Bless America sung and also and also done in sign language by 35 4 & 5 year olds. I will tell you there was not a dry eye in the audience.  And then it was topped off by some sort of spontaneous fly over by 4 planes.  I am not sure how she managed that but it was something to see.
 
I had perhaps my 5^th root canal a few weeks ago. The doctor gave me penicillin and vicodin.  I can’t even take ½ of a vicodin without feeling sick.   In error, I popped 2 vicodin thinking they were penicillin.  It was not pretty.  I was sure I had bed bugs as my skin was crawling.  Our friend and neighbor Suzanne helped me get Landon ready for bed as I was busy hugging my toilet and hallucinating.  Landon did offer some commentary “dat gross Mommy”.

I took a mommy trip myself to Miraval spa.  I do expect that you all heard the angels singing when I said that word.  Miraval is really like heaven to me. I got teary when we pulled in the parking lot.  The ultimate in exercise, relaxation, massage, etc.

On day two of my trip, I attempted this new exercise machine – the power plate.  The power cord was locked in a closet and accompanied by a list of possible side effects: light headedness, disorientation, nausea, blood pressure fluctuations, etc.

I ignore that and hopped aboard. This machine basically gyrates your body while you do lunges, dips, yoga poses,etc.  Then you get off.  I thought it was fantastic. The trainer told me folks that have peaked in their fitness use this to take it to another level. I feel very superior and must cock my tail feathers.

Within 2 minutes, I get another serious nosebleed.  I will sum this as saying it went on for 2 days.  I went to the doctor to have my nose cauterized (translated … burn the spit out of it).  On the final morning I was there, I woke to a raging nose bleed.  It was ALL OVER the sheets and down comforter.  They are white – not Ecru friends, white, Martha Stewart white, hospital white, white like the star that led the three wise men to the baby Jesus white.  Serious White.  I called the front desk to tell them that this was NOT a crime scene and that I was the victim and perpetrator one in the same.   I go the doctor AGAIN (A real ENT this time) to again have him burn the spit out of my nose so I can fly home. 

Once home I go to a cute ENT here.  Future husband… who nose (couldn’t resist).  This guy takes one look inside my nose “whoa!”  Okay didn’t you guys get any bedside manner training?  Long story short, my nose is a mess, and I probably need surgery or I will keep having nosebeeds.  SPIT!!  Blood pressure also low.  Doctors Orders – no exercise of any sort (just kill me – I mean that is like a lethal blow to me) for at least one week).  No boyfriends also he says.  Well you can just imagine… I began to call my many suitors to alert them, causing a near lock down of our nations’ communication system. 

I fear I may be losing control of my child as we have had a number of time outs lately.  I gave her strict instructions NOT MOVE HERSELF AT ALL FOR 2 MINUTES.  Instead, she picked up her stool and moved it, pending court decision on whether that qualifies as a violation.  I clearly, succinctly, and sternly delivered her reprimand for the timeout to which she replied  “you soooo funny mommy…. So funny…”

Ideas and stories welcome here so I do not feel so incompetent.

Finally I will update you all that Miss Landon now has glasses, specs… She was having some issues with her right eye.  400.00 later, transition lens and a pink patent leather Barbie glasses case later she is good to go.  She wears them most of the time and tells me “I so cute Mommy”.  We are hoping that she will grow out of them at some point.  Until then, she looks she could work as a notary at Wells Fargo.

Plase do not hate me for my superior intelligence.  It has just earned me admittance to the Mensa society.  Yes I know – it is extraordinary occasion.  I am certain of my qualification as a Mensa member as I have now managed to uninstall and THEN reinstall the carseat and associated cover.

 Really I am lucky not to have been put in this dangerous situation prior to last week. Landon got choked on a yogurt bite (damn health food) last week on the way home from school.

 I was driving – on our way home for a relaxing Friday.  Well we were stopped at the light and she started to choke and cry.  I thought it was nothing but it continued.  It is also key to note that I was the first in line of 11 cars all turning and ready to consume their first official cocktail of the weekend.    I am thinking is it possible to do the Heimlich maneuver while driving???  Well luckily I turned the corner and quickly threw it in to park, then mounted the front seat and proceeded to be washed in pink vomit (fueled by dannon drinkable yogurt).  DA DA DA DUMMMMMM

 Okay so we go 4 more blocks and are home.  I extract the carseat which is now about to float in to the house on its own.  To add to the matter, this is the first day for Landon’s new teacher (also a Mensa member).  She, in a moment of brilliance, decided to send Landon home wearing only panties – sans the diaper.  Let me clarify – SHE IS TWO PEOPLE!  So the floating carseat is now saturated with not only pink vomit but pee pee.  For the love of all that is holy – can I catch a break here??

 So I take her inside, she eats, bathes and goes to bed.  Once she is down and the angels commence to singin’, I begin to disassemble the car seat cover.  I do believe that instructions for launching the first rocket were more clear.  I mean it says “find the metal slot of the restraint”.  Well now that is helpful isn’t it?  The ENTIRE THING IS A RESTRAINT; IT IS A CARSEAT and oh by the way, there are lots of metal thingies.   I did get the cover off (I do believe time stood still for 1 minute to honor the achievement) – mindful of the instructions which state “be careful not to damage the special headrest” (cross my heart that iis what is says).  Well that is just lovely – because in Alabama we call that “special headrest” Styrofoam – so the 300.00 carseat I bought (top of the line) is made of styrofoam.

 So I wash it and called my neighbor to commiserate. She said “be afraid, very afraid”.  For the life of me, I cannot figure how to put the thing back together. If the instructions were in Portuguese it would be easier.  Seriously!   Through the Grace of God (literally) and a bad word or two, I manage to get the cover back on.  I am going to line it with a trash bag to save the strain on my psyche.  If she slides out of it… well so be it.

 I took yesterday off to get some things done – primary of which is getting Landon a Colorado Birth Certificate.  This task, my friends, is basically as complicated as the entire adoption process.

 While working through my 25 item task list, I treat myself to a trip to the LuLuLemon store  (athletic clothing).  It is pricey yes but I wear it every day, which is where I find my warped rationalization for spending more money.  Anyway, the sales clerk is a San Francisco looking X-hair stylist.  He says to me as I graze past the tops, “Um, ma’aaaaam, these are our most supportive tops” as he sort of finger scoots me to adjacent training bras.  He might as well have said – “you are WAY too small for this top and can we talk about your hair??”   HOW RUDE!  The service industry has hit an all time low.         

 Last Sunday I took Landon to lunch at Little Ollies (the little should not confuse the fact that is a large and BUSY restaurant).  Well it was a stupid move; they do not even have a kids menu or coloring book.  So we colored on their white tablecloth (serves them right).  It seemed to take forever to get our meal.  To keep the princess from throwing all the sugar packets across the room, I gave her some wipes.  Landon is very in to cleaning these days (not without merit).  So she is wiping of the table, my arm, etc.  I bend to pick up the sippy mug she just knocked off only to have her raise my shirt to wipe my chest with the dirty wipe.  She raises it just high enough to show off the black netting of my bra and, I believe, cause permanent damage to the United Methodist Church senior citizen class sitting to our right. 

 We are doing our best to conserve money here (as is all of the U.S).  Our latest fun toy is Reynolds wrap.  Landon has shot up now and can reach the wrap/baggie drawer.  Sunday evening I heard her giggly roar as she unrolled the entire Reynolds wrap container across the kitchen floor — to hear it crinkle under her feet.  I just couldn’t get to her fast enough to stop her from hurling it down 2 small flights of stairs. 

 Landon and I went to Tampa for week a week or so ago.  We were lucky enough to find a really wonderful sitter, Patti.  Patti took Landon to the mall every day and they played in the baseball themed kid’s area. It seemed every day I would come back to the hotel to find Landon with something new:  a tutu one day, then cell phone with blue tooth attachment of course, super large coloring book etc.  She was spoiled for sure.  I think she is ready to go back.

 I will end our latest update with a sad note.  While on our trip, my little Bonnie passed.  I had her since she was 3 months old. Poor thing she got a bad kitty disease.  It made her blind and then she passed about 2 ½ weeks later.  Very quick and very sad.    Landon saw Mommy super sad for the first time.  She was very sweet (perhaps this is my first glimpse at the parent becoming the child, just didn’t think it would happen when she was 2).  Landon kept patting me and saying “are you Otay?  Its Otay Mommy”.  SOOOOOOO cute! She is a love for sure.

Oh to say the least we have been busy. 

 Christmas was really nice this year.  We stayed in Denver and avoided all the holiday travel.  We have traveled a lot since we got back from Moldova.  It used to be easier to travel with her – she actually listened to me and obeyed the flight rules. Now she wants to walk up and down the aisles and sit in first class with the nice TV’s (can’t blame her for that), get in to other people’s purses, etc.

 Landon and I went to Atlanta and Hilton Head recently.  I went for business; she went to get spoiled by Grandpa and Grandma.  We had a connection in Dulles… very tiny plane barely visible to the naked eye.  It was the kind of plane where you have to go outside to board.  Well it is so damn cold there are icicles forming inside my mouth.  I am toting the princess and all her crap, my coat, hers, my most prized position… the DVD player, and all while trying to look hot in my Britney Spear boots in case the pilot is hot.  I am trying to navigate these tiny little Smurf steps and teetering.  I say to the flight attendant (whose last job was a waitress at Hooters)  “can you help me?”   “What?” she says.  It is windy and loud so I give her the benefit of the doubt.  “Can you HELP ME??”  “What?” she says again. Getting ticked….  “CAN YOU HELP ME????”  Her reply…. Priceless…  “We are not allowed to help passengers”.  Well you can imagine: I was pissed.  So I threw my bag at her feet and said “well can you help yourself?”.    I am not even going to go there.  Anyone who travels can relate to the level of “service” on planes these days.  I hear that soon we will have to travel with our own chairs and oxygen masks or pay extra. 

 If you remember from last years travels I have bad flight karma anyway.  Upon arrival in Hilton Head the airline lost my bag.  Of course they did not lose MY bag, no no… they lose the baby bag (with all the critical stuff in it).  Stay tuned.  I  will update you when I travel so you can all stay home and avoid flight issues.

 On a way home from Grandpa’s, I was graced with a sleeping Landon.  I was shocked that she was out and for so long.  So I thought to myself, I will get a glass of wine (whoa, yes I know, living on the edge).  So I order it and upgrade to RED wine – very frightening idea with a 2 year old but hey she was out.  As she is sleeping I figure it is safe.   So I get it and then decide to get my book to read to really savor the moment. Okay shifting, getting comfy…..   WHOOOPS!!!  I knock the whole damn thing over.  SHIT!     The man across the aisle got a good chuckle.     I was less than cheerful.

 On Christmas day I was trying to get Landon something substantial to eat, something other than “cookie” (which she now says ALL the time).    I still had not managed to get my contacts in – you know how XMAS day is.   Landon comes running to me giggling and shows me that she has a candy cane in her mouth. Oh whatever, it is Christmas… no big deal.  That is until she is right in front of me at which point I scream LANDON NOOOOOOOOO!! She has a small glass Christmas ball in her mouth – all the way in.  I managed to extract it from the perpetrator (not without protest).  Good grief – but a crunch away from the ER on XMAS day. 

 Landon is in pull-ups as is she so advanced in her bodily functions (as many of you may recall from a previous update).  Well recently she says “gucky” and proceeds to pull down her pull-up.  Now mind you we were not near the potty just at a random carpeted area of the house.  Of course it looks like something a horse would leave behind.  Well she drops her drawers and then bends over in the down dog yoga position and says “wipe”.   I am astounded I have to tell you, partly at the move (and it is was really good yoga form) and partly because of the direct order.  Not so astounded that I did not move quickly as to avoid the poopy in the Berber carpet.  I later learned this is a technique at her school.  Go figure.

 Landon had a sip and see to celebrate her b’day (this is of course on top of her celebration at Grandpa’s and the one at school).  A sip and see is a southern thing — so you can have your mint julep and trash your neighbor (“bless her heart…. did you see her shoes..).  Landon was blessed with some lovely gifts.  There were tons of people around so it was hard to track the little one at times.  I peer over my wine glass to see her feverishly opening a gift (unsupervised of course) which I assume is hers but cannot be certain.  As I get closer I see that she is also trying to increase her fiber intake by eating a 100.00 gift check.  LANDON STOP!!!!!  AAAAKKK!  That sound can be heard coming from my house a lot these days.

 Our most recent injury as a family was the result of a direct blow to the head.  Landon awoke in the night and cried out.  I grabbed her and brought in with me.  I KNOW, I KNOW that is bad.  Any mommy on this distribution list who has not done it at least once, you are a saint and sleep deprived.    So… we get settled and Landon sits straight up at attention – who knows why… perhaps a dream about the pledge of allegiance.  I say LANDON LIE DOWN.  So she does… crashes down on my head… her hard head (and she is the 60^th percentile head-wise) is a direct hit on my nose.  She does not even wake up.  I mean it was so hard I had to feel to see if it was still attached.  It was… and I know that because it was bleeding all over the place.   

 You can see we have fun and most days are lucky to remain injury free.

Hi All – Our latest excitement…..   
 
We celebrated earth day last week with a hat parade at landon’s school.  All the kids had hats made from pie plates w/ cupcake holders and colored pasta taped on (lovely ribbons for ties).  I would never have though Landon would keep it on but she did.   The kids are working on a garden at school – growing flowers and that sort of thing.  I think it will be nothing short of a miracle if a flower actually makes it - the way they bang the ground and throw the dirt.
 
Landon is becoming quite the character at school.  Her teacher Ms. Annette was changing her diaper during nap time.  Landon was kicking her legs and making lots of noise (no idea where she gets that). Ms. Annette said “Landon stop kicking your legs”.  She repeated it to Landon a couple more times and Landon said “peease” – meaning you should say please and I’ll consider it.   And Annette did say Please.  And she repeated “Landon stop kicking your legs”.  Landon replied “why”.  I thought they didn’t start that why business until they were like 3.  Ms. Annette told her “our friends are sleeping” and Landon said “oh ok”.

Immediately after writing our last  update, I had someone over to check our alarm system (must make sure the munchkin is safe).  Well we examined all the windows.  The last one was the one in panty/storage closet   I was showing the alarm guy (curtis, now my close personal friend) the window and it just didn’t look right.   I looked closer and then started jumping up and down screaming and ran out.   It was a squirrel!   The one that knocked over my  balsamic vinegar….  I was screaming there is a squirrel, there is a squirrel.  Curtis said “well no, its actually two of them”.  akkkkkkkk!  akkkkk!  Oh my goshhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Regardless of whether you are, from New Zealand to Alabama — I cannot believe you did not hear me screaming. 
 
I looked and he was right. They were there sunning themselves in my window.  One looked right at us as if to say “more cashews please and a beer for my friend”. We are sooooooooo moving!  I was so freaked out. Screaming!  Screaming! Screaming! Curtis said “do you need me to call someone”.  I said yes and meant the exterminator.  I think he meant the looney bin.  We are working with the exterminator people to get rid of our petting zoo. Whew! 
 
Bath time is always fun here.  Landon loves to get a bath and play with her ducks from Grandpa.  I call her  “Sister Mary Landon”  in her towel.

Hey all.  Oh what fun this week.
 
I don’t know what it is about Dallas but every time I go there is trouble. Three weeks ago I was there and they cancelled all flight because of the biggest rainstorm in Dallas history.
 
I went last week for a two day trip.  I arrived at the airport Tuesday night (late flight so I could be with miss priss for a while longer).  I thought this is just so nice there are lots of parking places and there is no line.  I said that to the agent. He said “well that is because we have cancelled all the flights”.  I just laughed and said yea right.  He said “I’m serious honey”.  DAMN!  So I was stuck there for a couple of hours hoping I would get out rather than take the 6:00 a.m. flight and make my sitter made for having to come back at 4:00 in the morning.   I did make it out.  Then of course had to frantically try to change my return flight (with all the other irate American customers). 
 
But I will have all of you know I am famous.  I was on the channel four news.  Jody something (cute this blonde, ex-cheerleader I am guessing) asked if she could interview me. I felt sorry for her as I was the only moron left in the airport just about.  Nothing exciting — she just wanted to know how I felt about the american issue.  I am really hoping that George saw this and will finally call me (George Clooney that is…..)
 
Just before I left for Dallas Landon attacked a table at school.  She and a schoolmate were practicing the most common word at Primrose school “MINE!”.  They reached for the same toy at the same time – she did not win.  HUGE shiner (as you will see in the attached photo).   The school called and explained what happened.  They said it was swelling a little.  I did not worry as I am very experienced mother.  By the time I got there, the thing was so big — it looked a second head. I took her to the doc in the box to make sure she was not delirious.  I should have know she was fine by the way she flirted with all the doctors (3 of them) at the office that she was fine. I was a wreck.
 
More dallas trip news.  Our hotel was evacuated on Wednesday night because of the tornado.   The basement of the OMNI hotel at 3:45 a.m. is not where you want to be let me tell you.  I have an overnight trip to Dallas next week.  Do not listen to your weatherman — listen to me.  There will be some sort of weather and airline issue — just plan on it and pack extra clothes.
 
I am not broke…. but my daughter Imelda is fine.  I had to restock her shoes as I am bad mother (reference previous email where I forced her size 5 feet into size 3 shoes).  Really I was just preparing here for life as a woman.  (Soon she will be lying about her weight on her passport.)  
 
Those fabulously cute crocs I bought her are outlawed at school.   I showed up and the teacher looked at me and shook her head and if to say “tsk, tsk, you are such a bad mommy”  I am not sure why they are outlawed – probably a communist plot to take over the world one by one through croc sales.
 
We bought a couple more pair of shoes (which are actually allowed at school).  Landon just had to wear a scarf.  She reached first for my Italian scarf that Carol gave me   I 86′d that and substituted my cat in the hat boa.  Nothing would do but that she wore it shopping (all day and it was 75 degrees).  Photo attached –she is eating in one (which she does all the time).
 
Landon went to watch our friends get pedicures Saturday.  I thought for about a nanosecond about getting one myself.  I knew that would not work.  Instead I raced her around the shop on one of their stools with wheels.  We broke it. The wheel just cracked in two.  I offered to pay for it but they said it was ok.  I think they just wanted me out of there.
 
Oh…….. and the pantry.  Well I am so proud of this pantry downstairs I had refinished.   Several of you have seen it.  It has so much storage.  Sometimes I just stand there and marvel at it.  I have lots of extra groceries and Landon stuff down there.  I noticed that some things were on the ground in there.  I thought maybe it was the cat.  Then I noticed the dreaded little black poopies — AAAAKKK a mouse.    I hate that. 

The next morning I notice more and as I looked up I saw a furry tail.  Well I am not going to lie — I screamed like the sissy girl that I am.  It was not a mouse (unless there is a new breed with furry tails).  It was a SQUIRREL.  I saw the little turd as he was exited.   I  ran to home depot and got some boxes and chicken wire for the handy man to fix the problem.  During my trip, the squirrel (which I fondly refer to as deadman) got back in and knocked over a bottle of balsamic vinegar dressing.  Do you know how that smells?    It was everywhere -on the bag of goldfish, on my handweights, a headset, ream of paper…….  ggrrrr.  I was not happy.  I threw landon in her pack and play (and listened to her cry) as I shoved  bricks and cardboard in the open area. I don’t even think air can get in now.     I just want to say — I am in the city — I have a clean home — where did he come from?
 
Landon is still doing great in school.  She told me to “stop it” I think this morning.  I was tickling her and she had enough.  She said bumblebee too.  I think she may be a linguist.
So that is all for now.

 Hi all,
 
The most exciting thing that happened in the last two weeks was that I read a book — front to back, cover to cover and savored every word.  (Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult — definitely on my O list).  I took a flight to NYC for business.  The princess was here with the wonderful Miss Lori (truly one of the nicest people I have every met).  As you all know, I am the barometer for flight issues.  I did not let you down this time.  We sat on the runway for 2  1/2 hours.  Then because of bad weather were routed through CANADA then to NYC.   When we finally got there , we had to wait another 40 minutes for our gate (because clearly the 4 hours of our flight was not enough notice to get the damn gate ready).  I took my first NY cab in years.  They have TV’s in them now — did you know that?  I think its so you can watch CNN as your life passes before you eyes.  
 
My cab was a pit — smelled like old meat and someone else’s perspiration.  The driver seemed to be “from out of town”. He kept gunning the car and then backing off — I mean over and over.  He was too busy talking to his friend to listen to my directions.  When he finally asked me “to where you going” – I replied “apparently to meet my maker”.  I was about 2 tic tacs from hurling all over him.
 
I forgot how expensive NY is. The hotel was 319.00 a night and thats the IBM rate.  When I got in — they only had non-smoking rooms with a twin bed.  EXCUSE ME!  Oh no no honey… we are not camping, I said.  Promptly and with perhaps some divine intervention, they miraculously found an additional room with an adult size bed in their upgraded section.  Whatever. 
 
Landon is talking all the time and I mean ALL THE TIME.  She is definitely going to be a social butterfly.   I am not — so feel sure this will present its opportunities to fine tune my patience skills.  I offered her $5.00 today to be quiet. She took the money and kept talking.   She is trying to brush her hair like mommy now — just wish she would not do it with her toothbrush.  I am able to get a teeny tiny ponytail in her hair now (think pebbles and bamm bamm).  Its darling.  I don’t know how she knows — but if she ever wants to tick me off or is mad at me — she just pulls the bow out (see photo evidence attached).
 
I meant to mention in my previous note that our friends from Chicago (Elana and her family) got Landon a beautiful gift.  It is her first Madam Alexander doll.  Darling.  Its called One of a Kind Sisters.  They come in a set — two dolls and two necklaces.  The necklaces are split in two — so together they make a circle.  Elana and her family wanted to get something the two girls could share — to signify they special relationship.  Its so cute.  I am going to put it up not so Landon will not hurt it but so her mother won’t (anyone who knows her also knows she tends to the clumsy side, hence the nickname Grace!).
 
Oh and new on the man front.  This past week during my trip to Houston/Dallas 2 weeks ago my cab driver told me if I ever wanted to come back to Dallas and have a large black man fulfill all my sexual fantasies he would be here for me.  Sadly, I thought —  well…. if that is the best and frankly ONLY offer I have had in 2 years.  WAAAAA.  I declined the gentleman’s offer and then went promptly to the bathroom to check for the tramp stamp that must be somewhere on my body.   I mean…….. who says things like that. 

Landon is in to everything – I mean everything.  I can’t look away for a second.  We were headed out the door to school the other day.  I am glad I looked down because she had draped my underwear over her arm as an arm accessory of sorts.   I did retrieve it — I am sure a red thong would have been quite the topic at primrose school.  (Shelley/Carol – I am sure you will enjoy this story after the leopard undergarment ended up in the kitchen in Vail).
 
She has quite the personality now. I am sure I am biased but she is really endearing.  Sweet but determined and not afraid of anything (I hope that stays with her for the most part).  She is a master at working men.  In Target tonight, she reached to and touched a good 3 hot strangers.  She will pick the hottest one and engage.  Not shy and quite sure they will be woo’d by her.  And damn if it doesn’t work.  Meanwhile I am hiding behind the cart in my yoga pants and wilting ponytail.  She is a demanding little thing at times — this immediate gratification thing — not sure where that comes from (where the hell is my martini….)

I am in the process of enclosing my porch.  When I saw I – I mean someone with way more engineering and mechanical ability than me.  Of course, I think would include Big Bird and my postman. 

I have been fortunate enough to meet (via phone) three other families adopting from Moldova now. One is in Moldova now all the way from Israel.  Its so exciting. Landon and I will be doing to North Carolina some time later July or early August to visit her adoption agency and the officials from Moldova. The officials (and Landon’s interpreter, attorney/facilitator, head of child protective services there) are coming in to see the area and vacation a little (also to see  how the kids are doing and to encourage more international adoptions).  I am excited to see them — I can’t wait for them to see how well she is doing.  I would love to get them a gift. Just not sure what you get someone who gave you a child — a hallmark card sort of doesn’t seem to cut it.   I am open to suggestions.

Okay thats all for now folks.  Love to all. 
 
Kelly & Landon

Hi all – its been a while.  Things have been busy here in Denver.  We are experiencing frigid temps here – like 10 degrees high.

What have we been up to lately?  Well Landon is very advanced in her class.  She is going to the potty with some regularity which is quite impressive.  She is also able to blow her nose with a very recognizable sound.  Her teacher said “you know I really only know one other student her age who can blow her nose like that”.   As you can imagine I was quite product.  Harvard – here she comes.    I told the teacher “well we Ozley’s have always been very advanced in our bodily functions”.

Landon is enjoying the Christmas lights around town. She always says “oohhh pretty” when we pass a “festive” house.  Sometimes I am thinking whoa hello Clark Griswald, but she just gasps and goes on and on “pretty! Wow! More”.  The other day we were driving home from school and Landon says “puppy!!”  I look over to the car next to us and think “where?”   She continues “puppy… Puppy…. PUPPY”. I look over again to see a huge head of dreadlocks.  I think it was a woman but in a lineup could not make a positive  ID.  She has this tremendous head of dreadlocks – phenomenal – took up the entire passenger window.  I guess to an almost 2 year old it was a puppy. What to say…. Woof!  Woof!!

The Qwest (phone line) man was out recently, Pat McGroin (someone will get this later).  He was researching the phone challenges I was having. As this was a Saturday, Landon was home.    So Pat does all his work.  He has a very impressive work belt, all sort of devices attached; cables, gauges, and a VERY large yellow phone dead center (think 1995 cell phone).  Well he finishes his work and is reviewing the “issues’ with me.   Again the yellow mammoth cell phone sits dead center of his “gentlemen’s” quarters”.  I am so focused on the electric interference Pat is describing I don’t see Landon grab Pat’s phone initially.   I look down and scream “LANDON!!” which scares her and results and a quick and forceful release.  Pat lets out a yell which I felt sure would summon the neighborhood dogs.  He promptly grabbed his paraphernalia and left as fast as any human possibly can (well as fast as any man racked w/ pain and hunched over can)

This weekend I actually act some help watching Landon.  I had some time to look at makeup and shoes without searching for Landon hiding in the racks.    As I walked by the Channel counter, the salesperson says “Is that how you normally wear your makeup?”  I mean how does one respond?  I said “actually I was thinking it was a pretty good day for until about 1 minute ago”.  She just kissed that sale away.

Grandma came to visit recently.  Landon got plenty of love and kisses.  I think she kept Grandma on her toes for sure.

We recently had our cookie bake.  It was Landon’s second cookie bake (first one at Grandma Terri’s house).  I think she made it through one cookie before she tired of that little task and moved on to wiping powdered sugar on various friends’ clothing.    I later caught her going one by one licking the sprinkles off each cookie.  I kept all of those for us (I think…………..)

Landon had her first experience with Santa. I would sum it up as to say she was moderately impressed.  I think the lure of the candy cane was much more interesting than Santa.  She really just looked at him like “what the hell is up with that outfit”?

We are having fun preparing for Christmas.  Hope all is well.

Well its official…. Hell has in fact frozen over.  I have succumbed to the CROCS phenomenon.  Not only did I buy one pair — I bought three.  Now the saving grace here is that they are for Landon.  She was ready for new shoes I thought- sandals etc. you know.  Her feet look so small to me.  I swear us Ozley girls have big feet so most anyone’s feet look small.  Landon should feel much better now.  I had her in size 3 shoes and she is a 4.5 — which the clerk says means you go up to size 5.   Uhhhh Ohhh as Landon would say.  Well you know how could I tell — she never said anything — Well you live and learn.  Luckily this shoe store has me on a 3 month reminder – to come recheck her size.    The clerk was very patient and Landon seemed to love the attention (shocking).  He tried to sell us some ugly brown hiking type shoes for her.  I said “no you don’t understand…. we are Southern, we are bow people — she wears bows every day… those shoes just won’t do….”
 
Landon is doing great.  She is doing all sort of crafts in daycare.  I know that because she generally has a blue stamp on her arm or red on her mouth where she sucked on the marker.  The head teacher at daycare is so sweet.  Every time she comes in Ms. Alejandro says “well hello Princess Landon”.  I call her Princess Poopypants.  I really don’t know where the “output” comes from.   Maybe its her consumption.  Today for lunch — no lie — she ate a gerber pasta pot, applesauce tub, and bowl of mandarin oranges while I worked out.  Then I went to lunch with her where she ate some of my fries, goldfish, pickles, and sauerkraut….. do you think she could be pregnant???
 
She has been just loving her new car (the one Marla gave her).  It really funny to watch.  She hops right in and grabs the wheel.  She waves at everyone.  And its that sort of float wave — you know what I mean.  People just stop and laugh. 

Landon met a very handsome man in Starbucks.  He was with his nanny – Ms. Hoochie-mama (well that is what she looked like anyway).  I was thinking if I was your wife, would give Trixie here the boot and hire some old fat lady.  Landon was buddying right up to this cute guy.  It appears she has taken her mission quite seriously… to find mama a sugar daddy.  I need to refine my requirements to EXCLUDE married men — those I can find on my own.  haha.
 
We have some travel coming up.  I have a business trip to Boca coming up.  I think I am going to hide the munchkin in suitcase and make a weekend of it. I know she has never seen the water.  She already has three bathing suits (compliments of Grandma and nice friends).  Then I have another trip coming up to Orlando.  Grandma will be staying with her while I work.  The biggest challenge of this trip will be convincing Grandma to put on a bathing suit.  She asked if she could just tie a rope to her — nice mom……
 
Landon is leaving some sign language in school.  She knows please, thank you, and a few others.  Thank you looks like blowing a kiss.  So at times I think she is blowing kisses instead of saying thank you or vice versa (either way its nice). She says mama, uhhhh ohhhh, please, pretty (wonder where she got that one).  She is imitating a lot.  I tried to clear my throat from this nasty cold flem (nice visual Kelly) and now she makes that sound a lot — thinks it very funny. 
 
That all –nothing too exciting to report.  Just life and we’re happy.  Hope you all are too.
 
Kelly & Landon

Hello all. Happy Easter.  I wanted to send an Easter update.   I can sum it up with Landon is great!  She is really doing well in daycare – absolutely loves it.  She has learned a few words (Mama– my personal favorite, Mine, Bye).    She is asleep and I am watching Bridget Jones – what a great tme.
 
We have both been sick a lot.  That is really odd for me. Pre Landon I seemed to be better insolated from all the bugs.  Now with daycare, well… I am just screwed.  2 weeks ago I got the stomach bug that is going around.  I don’t wish that on anyone.  I really felt like crap for over a week.
 
I traveled this week (overnight) for the first time since I have been back with Landon.   Landon was fine (it was me who was a mess).    Dallas ended up with the biggest rainstorm (and tornados) in their history.  I got stuck in Dallas for an extra day.  How stressful!  I virtually blessed out the agent at the counter, trying to explain that there was no de-icing – and my need to get home to my baby.  Given the fact that no planes were going out at all — anywhere — he was not at all sympathetic.  Lori (landon’s saintly sitter) jumped right in with no problem at all.  Landon did however “initiate” Lori — throwing up everything she ate for dinner.  I guess its the LIFO method (Last in First out).  Poor Lori — but that is part of the deal.    I am very happy to have found a sitter whom I am comfortable with and one whom Landon likes (huge relief).
 
The Easter bunny (yes, I mean the real one!) came to Landon’s school yesterday.  Of her entire class (of 10) and the older toddlers (another 10 kids), Landon was the only one who would get in the bunny’s lap (see pics here).  The rest of the little sissys(sp?) cried the entire time.   
 
Landon is up to 20 pounds now and 29 inches (I think).    The docs say she is doing great.

 
We just had her one year well exam (a month late but who is counting). 
 
She weights 20 pounds pretty much even (when you take out the wiggling) and is 29 inches long (both of these are in the 25th percentile).   Her head is 17 3/4 inches — which is the 35th percentile.  This percentile thing is really a big deal apparently.   I hear mom’s touting their percentiles all the time.  Her progress is great because 2 months ago she was in the 16.4 pounds and in the 5th percentile.  The doctor was very pleased with her progress.
 
Both of us have been sick a lot since we have been here.  I had the flu and sinus infection.  She has had a number of colds, pink eye, upper respiratory infection, etc.    I am not used to being sick — can’t say I like it much.  It has to be daycare.
 

Landon had been doing really well at daycare.  She was at the jewish daycare for a while.  They were very nice but not as buttoned up as I would like.  She just changed daycares this past week. I love it; she loves it; life is good. 

The latest big development — she is walking.  Oh my.  One week ago – she started.  She thinks she is just it on a stick.  She will take a few steps on her own and look up with the biggest grin and then clap her hands.  It is so cute. Lets say this has added a whole new dimension to our lives.  I have no weight issues at this point in my life.  I am looking forward to this all calming down — maybe in about 18 years….
 
I talked to my adoption director  (Julie) last week – she just got back from Moldova.  She went for a visit and some policy work.  The orphanage director saw pictures of Landon here at home (with family and toys) and was VERY pleased.  She said “this baby looks very happy”.  She also told Julie that she doesn’t have money for milk — no money for the babies to have their bottles.  Julie gave them money for one month’s worth of milk. I am not sure what happens after that.  The next step after this orphanage (the one Landon came from) is a boarding house.  Its for kids from 6-16.  There is no indoor plumbing and they have to wear heavy coats indoors in the winter to keep warm.  The 6 year olds have to go outside in the dark at night to potty.  really sad.   I say this as a reminder to me (and maybe us all) of how good we really have it.  Anyone needing another charity — please consider this agency (Carolina Adoption Services).  They are good people!
 
All in all we are good.  Landon is a great sleeper and eater. She can almost inhale a banana (and a big one).  She sleeps a lot too — almost always 12 hours or more.  We are adjusting and both happy.  Work is picking up which I like.  I am not doing much craft work, painting or even reading.  I consider it an accomplishment if I actually shave my legs a couple of times a week (that ought to get me some dates huh?).  Love to all of you….
 
P.S. I am watching the show Lost now.  I have to say I do not understand why we need subtitles on an English show. It is so damn confusing. Is it really necessary?

Hi All,

Landon has been very busy socially. She had two baptisms and two parties on Sat.  Both baptisms were at the same time (thank goodness) at our local catholic church. Actually we walked — it was only about 8 blocks from our house. I got stuck twice in the sidewalk crack (damn heels).   I should have worn flipflops for the journey. Landon looked like a princess.  She had on her cousin Andrea’s dress with her white maryjane keds. So darling.  I gave her a brownie as a snack. MISTAKE!! Landon was like a mexican jumping bean — I mean all over the place.   I have not seen her like that before. She went to some older man (grandfather type) and sat in his lap — just as if it was me.   He thanked me later for his 32 seconds with her. I curled my hair that day with electric curlers (alert the media!).   Landon latched on to one of the curlers and just had to bring it with us.   She carried it in the church and had it the entire time, banged it on the pugh (sp?), rolled it down the aisle — lovely.   It matched her dress (purple) and wasn’t worth the fight frankly.

 My nephew Logan (for those of you who do not know him) is 7.   He said Sunday afternoon on the phone “Aunt Kelly can I ask you something?”.   Well of course. “when are you going to bring Landon to see us because she is cute”. Well what about me Logan I said.   He replied “well yea, you too I guess but you are older”. Okay then. Then he said “Aunt Kelly can I tell you something else”? With hesitation this time, I said sure.  “Aunt Kelly, I am pretty sure that when you have a baby, you are supposed to have a husband.   You should get one.   You could ask Daddy or you could use Adam if you want”.   well alrighty then……. Adam is his brother, my other nephew — and he is a 21.   I don’t even know what you say to this.   I wondered if Mom had called and put him up to it – but he was so serious and totally genuine. “you should really work on that Aunt Kelly”.   OK I’ll get right on that.  Landon has a few new favorite game.

She has sort of figured out that things go in and then come out of things.  So she loves to find ways to test it.  I routinely find things in the wrong place.  I found a pancake in my oven warming drawer — had been there about 3 days – hmmmm yummy.  I walked in her bedroom yesterday and she looked like an angel floating on a cloud — she had pulled out ALL of the wipes one by one because that is fun you see.  The way the toilet paper comes off the roll and piles on the floor is very exciting to test.  Also fun for her to eat it.  GRRRR. 

I can’t seem to keep the house any order at all as long as Landon is awake.  Its like a mini tornado during waking hours.   Just cleaning up after her is my cardiovascular work.   I don’t remember Donna Reed having this problem. And Carol Brady wore heels while she cooked; they had 6 kids. 

Landon is struggling with going to sleep these days for some reason. Conversely and perhaps not unrelated, I want to sleep more now. hmmm.   I lowered her crib b/c she is getting taller and I fear a leap to the floor if we are not careful.   She will have her bottle as usual, then cried because she doesn’t want to go to sleep and miss things.   I still get in her crib often and sit/lay with her.   With the base lowered now, getting in and out of that crib is a virtual cirque de soleil act.   I am glad that I have a child now.   I feel that after my crib dismount tonight any possibility of conceiving is completely out of the question.

 Hi All — Hope you are enjoying Fall and all its color. Landon and I have been busy with some travel and some fun. We went to Hilton Head to visit Grandpa and Grandma. I worked and Landon got spoiled. She went to the park, made cookies and just basically got a lot of attention. I am sure you can imagine she ate that up. Perhaps Landon’s favorite thing at Grandpa’s was his PEZ dispenser. Why does a 69 year old man have a PEZ dispenser….. well I guess because he can. Landon found his toy on the high shelf and would stand firmly planted until we dispensed of a treat — actually you push a button and Wylie Coyote spins around with your PEZ . Go figure.

As there is a lot of work to do to get ready for travel w/ Landon, I was pretty tired the next morning as we go to the airport. That said, I did have on matching clothes and makeup — points for me. I stopped in the airport bathroom to primp and thought — you look like crap Kelly, more eyeliner definitely needed. As I am applying it and still looking like ka ka poopy, I notice why, I am using a mauve lip liner not my espresso eye liner (not a good look for a girl with freckles). Good grief!

 My friend Erin and I took our two little ones to the Harvest Farm Pumpkin Patch (petting zoo, corn maze, pumpkin patch, etc.) the first weekend in October. It was Oct 6 and freezing. Not really snowing you see — but cold as hell and sleeting a bit. It wasn’t like this at first let me clarify. It was nice in Denver. As you drive 60 miles west — the weather changes. Poor planning – well yea duh! I didn’t have gloves, not sure Erin had a hat — the girls were bundled up like packages. Landon had on her Hanna Andersson jacket. Landon was doing fine with the petting zoo until the donkey started to eat her jacket. She started to cry because she was scared. I started to cry because I paid 45.00 for it. I said “take her jeans; they are from Target”. We ended up leaving early and by early I mean about 15 minutes in to the trip. We set the girls up in the back of the SUV in the empty field (tailgating for losers sort of thing) and fed them. Both were shaking so much they could hardly chew. Landon looked at me like “I am sooooooooooooo calling Grandpa when we get home”. You live and learn I guess.  What did the other families think of the Harvest Farm you ask? Well I can’t really answer that as there wasn’t a civilian to be seen in a 30 mile radius. The only ones there were the local farmhands who looked like Ted Kacynski’s brothers, except not as good looking.

 Prior to our departure to Harvest Farm (and this should have been a sign), I notice that Landon has gotten sick (throw up sick– want you to really feel as if you were there with us). As I get closer to her, I notice that that her lips have a sort of a pasty look. Then I notice her vomit is sort of taupe —- actually no…. it is not taupe…….it is SAND BEIGE…………….NO……….. NOT MY BOBBI BROWN. “Landon that was 48.00″.Grrr! Well she is taller now and can reach the counter. In my haste to turn Landon in to a human popsicle at Harvest Farm, I did not see the little sprite snag my foundation — which was open and ready for application so as not to frighten anyone. She had herself quite the little time, pouring it on the chair and carpet and then spreading in a thin and translucent layer for light coverage. I believe that she also drank some of it (hence the pasty lips) — glad Bobbi uses some natural ingredients.

Last week we made a quick stop at the grocery store on the way home from school. I decided that the grapefruits looked good so put several in a buggy beside by Landon. I move over to pick up an onion and feel a whoosh breeze. Hmmmmmm –must get the onion. Then I pick up the onions and notice a flying yellow object in my peripheral vision. Hmmmm – no it can’t be. ITS A FLYING GRAPEFRUIT!!! How can that be? A special hybrid from the depths of Florida, laced with Viagra??? No its just Landon. I look over to see her hurling the grapefruits one by one across the produce department….laughing her head off. Then I start laughing but try not to as that is in the mommy manual as the way to encourage bad behavior. I am dodging the flying citrus to try to collect them all but can’t stop laughing. She was so quick — I couldn’t keep up. Perhaps she will play baseball or throw a javelin. So Halloween is coming and we are excited … and by we I mean Landon. She is going as a pumpkin. I am certain there are no moms excited about holiday which intentionally gives SUGAR to small children right before bedtime. Happy Halloween all!!

 Landon and I recently got back from a long trip to Pennsylvania.  It worked out really nicely.  I had a trip to NY during our stay.  Landon got to spend some nice time with her cousins and Aunt & Uncle. 

Just before our trip to PA and NY, we had some excitement.  We had a HUGE rainstorm (and they are rare in Denver).  Well I mean I was looking for Noah and rounding up my cats.  I had the recycle bin out front and thought I should get that in because the rain may knock it over.  But law requires that you do not leave your 19 month old unattended during waking hours.  I thought well I’ll just wait til she goes to bed.  So 30 minutes pass, Landon is asleep and I go out to get the recycle bin.  I can’t find it.    I look up to see if floating down 6^th avenue – major road  (and in the wrong direction – a one way street).  OMG.  There was no way to catch it.  To top it off it was headed directly for an oncoming traffic… lovely.  I never found it, perhaps it floated off to Sante Fe or something.  It has now been replaced but bears our house number.  I must be more careful or face the repercussions of a float and run.

The night before our trip I was a bit frantic trying to get things together.  I loaded the dishwasher per normal.  I mistakenly put one of my new knives in there (Henkel I think).  Sharp as heck.   Well Landon is quite fond of the dishwasher and its dirty contents.  In fact, she will lay on the open door if allowed.  Thinks that is just hilarious.  So she grabs the one and only sharp knife.  Instinct took over and I grabbed it from her (to avoid her getting hurt).  Lets recap – she had the handle and I grabbed the blade – she won. I ended up with a pretty good stream of blood (which I think Landon mistook for catsup – her personal favorite food group).  My neighbor and friend, Erin, saved the day. She helped me stop the bleeding and watched the Princess while I drove myself to get stitches.    I ended up w/ three stitches, nothing dramatic.  I am going to tell you though that the actual 4 shots to numb my hand hurt like hell.  The nice doctor was trying to be all chatty so that I would not notice the excruciating pain he was inflicting.  I told him “it’s a good thing you are holding my hand as I am afraid I might have to punch you otherwise”.  We were close friends by this point you see.  He asked me when I got in there “how did this happen?”.  I said “I grabbed a knife from my daughter”.    He said “oh… we have someone you need to speak with.”  I told him “no, no, she is 19 months old, not 19” – still not sure I helped my parenting case, but I did get our without a visit with social services.  Never a dull moment on Steele Street.

 During my visit in PA, my niece (with the frankness only a 9 year old can get away with) Andrea proceeded to share some deep thoughts.  She said “um… Aunt Kelly you know you caught the bouquet at Mom and Dad’s wedding and that was um… like…um… 13 years ago.  You are supposed to get married when that happens and um, well that is like really not happening.”  How illuminating – the mystery is now solved.

 She follows that up later in the day with “you are older than Mom, right”.  Well yes dear.  “Oh, you look younger than her…..  except for when you smile and open your mouth.  You know you have wrinkles Aunt Kelly – that’s when they really show”….. as if the mirror does not confirm this sobering fact daily.   

 Just wait til she gets braces or a pimple – Aunt Kelly’s wrinkles will be looking pretty darn good then.

 We are working on potty training.  By that I mean that I have it out in the bathroom.  Landon thinks it’s the most fun to sit on it with her clothes on or wear it on her head as an hat.    I have tried a few times to get her to use it.  The other night, I got her out of the tub and said “wanna pee pee”. She said PPPPPEEEEEEEEEEE PPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEE! – and walks in the potty direction.  I hear this splashing and giggling.  I think to myself “gosh I know I dried her off to some degree.    Well, and I know you see this coming, it was not bath water but PEE PEE. She did not quite make the potty but just pee’d standing up and then splashed all in it.  Good grief!  So we start over, bath #2.  Grr!!!   Bath number 2 was better, however, I had wine!

Clyde and Bonnie (my kitties) had their mobile vet visits this week during the one day Landon was out sick.  You can imagine the excitement.   Bonnie had a dental and clyde got his Lion cut.  He is a really hairy beast so this works nicely.  Well there were balls of his hair all over the backyard from Clyde.    Sunday a.m. Landon slept in a bit which gave me a bit of time to clean it up.  I bent down to pick up one particular ball of fur.  Well friends it was really odd looking, sort of like a hairy mushroom  - of note here is that I didn’t have my contacts in.  Coming within 2 inches of it, I stopped dead in my tracks because………………… it was a …………….. BAT!!!!!    I swear!    Bat Down! Bat Down!  I am serious if you did not hear me screaming (regardless of your location)  you need to seek immediate medical attention as you are hearing impaired.  He wasn’t dead – just injured.  I made my neighbor (a brave man) come remove him.  I had to go right past him to get to my car. If Jerry hadn’t gotten him out of there,   Landon would have been riding to school in a cab.  Stay tuned for further details on our expanded petting zoo.

Hi all — we are back from North Carolina. We had a great time.

We spent some time in Charlotte and got to see old friends (who look exactly the same — how do they do that).

 We spent the weekend in Greensboro seeing the folks from Moldova. They had a big crowd — our interpreter, our attorney, the orphanage director and folks from the Child Protective Services in Moldova. They couldn’t get over Landon, just wanted to squeeze her. That did not go over well. She did warm up after a while. We went to a cookout at one family’s house while in Greensboro. They were five families there. It was really nice to see so much love in one house. A couple of the families had adopted multiple children. For most of the families it was really interesting to see how much the adopted children looked like their adoptive families. Divine intervention perhaps.

Dad came up to see the Moldovan folks and Landon. He had to suffer through being the only man with 6 women (plus me). At one point the orphanage director sat down on the ground and put her hand out to Daddy. He tried to pull her up and she pulled back. This went on for a couple of minutes until the intepreter (Aurelia) came over and said — she wants you to sit down by her for a picture. Here Dad was trying to be a gentleman and help her up and she wanted him to sit next to her in a photo. Thought they might come to blows; but, Aurelia fixed it.

The Director of Child Protective Services said that the thing she loves to see the most is children with happy eyes. She said when she saw Landon and me together she got goosebumps. That got to me — choked me up a bit. Such lovely people. They brought me gifts (wine, candy, etc.) I was thinking they have nothing, so little money and here they bring me gifts. Puts things in perspective.

Of course we had to have one “memorable” experience while in North Carolina – did it have to be the first day?? So we arrive in Charlotte. I had Landon all nice and pretty – so thought I should also dress up a bit (instead of my traditional yoga wear).  I wore a skirt and nice top. So we fly and all is well.  As we are coming in to Charlotte, we take the moving sidewalk (b/c I am type A and that 12 second savings is critical).  Let me just say that it was the moving sidewalk from HELL.   All of a sudden it just stopped and pitched us forward.   Landon (in her stroller) ended up complete vertical, feet in the air looking at me as if to say “Good Lord Woman, what now”. I landed  completely horizontal (and not in a good way). My skirt was completely in the air and I am flat out, face red to match my panties.  This man come running up and said “are you alright”.  I thought “well, you really don’t care; you are just here because you can see my underwear and half my butt”.  I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO embarrassed.  Now I know why mom told me to wear nice undergarments.  That was before the invention of the thong, yes indeed my friends– Next time I wear fancy granny panties and slacks. 

Let me tell you what not to mention in the security line at the airport. Do not say “let me get the drugs out first”.   I speak from experience.  As Landon and were returning from North Carolina, we were running a bit late. I was a little frazzled and sort of slid into the security line.  I was scrambling to get out all of her stuff — the tylenol, benadryl, etc. I looked right at the security guy and said — “just let me get the drugs out”.  Well…………. you could have heard a pin drop.  All the security folk turned to me and stopped their other tasks. I said ‘I MEAN HER DRUGS” — still really not helping my case. I managed to whip out the bag and said “see…. drugs”. The main security guy said “girl you gonna git yourself in trouble saying stuff like that”.  Well no kidding. I was thinking trust me honey if I had real drugs I would have already taken them. Geez. 

We were non-stop all week in North Carolina.  I was a little frantic packing to leave and just threw things in.  As I was unpacking I found a kroger bag with what I thought was a wet swimsuit. No no friends, it was a sack of dirty diapers.  They had been in the suitcase for about 12 hours in August.  I am not sure I will ever get that smell out of the luggage.  Even my moisturizer smells like pee pee now.

 Okay — I asked you all about a chastity belt for Landon and I think you thought it was a joke. Well she has a boyfriend — Roman. SOOOOOOOOO cute! If he were just a little older…….. I took her to school Friday and there was Roman with his pacifier.  He walked over to Landon, removed his plug (pacifer) and kissed her dead on the mouth.  Worst part– she kissed back.I suggested he could have at least bought her a juicebox first.  Kids these days….. Love to all..

 Hi all – this will be a short one (many of you are saying THANK GOD).

We have a horse – did you hear? Actually we do not. I swear though Landon’s diapers lately smell like a horse stable. When I change her I look around for Big Brown having trotted in for feed and grooming. I have no idea what her mother feeds her, must be garlic and asparagus. D – I – S – G – U – S – T – I – N – G!!!

Landon is oh so mobile these days. I swear the child must be wearing skates sometimes. She is so quick. And I am going to tell you I have a lot of energy – not compared to her. I look up once and she is right beside me. Turn my head around for a second and she is eating the cat treats right out of the container. She can reach the counter now in the bathroom. Not a problem until she reaches my sunless tanning cream. She is my little Coppertone queen now – it is very hard to get that orange cream off if you are not quick, especially on tiny palms. What a good mother I am.

Landon has learned a few more words – EAT! Says it all the time! My cat (picture attached) is Clyde. Bonnie too – although she ignores Landon. Landon now all cats Clyde. Only its nots Clyde — its CIIIIIDDDDDDDDE! She can’t quite say Clyde – really is cute. She wants to love on him and lay on him – the fact that they are about the same weight makes it a fair competition (she is 22 -23 pounds and I am sorry to say I think he is more… about 24 pounds). Oh please – its baby fat – at 8 years old………..

A new favorite is THIS – everything is THIS THIS THIS. Then there will be string of words where she just yammers on and I cannot understand a word. I say “really?” thinking she will assume I “get” it. She looks at me like “Focus MOTHER this is important” and rolls her eyes. How can this happen at 18 months?

We had a very busy weekend. Lots of friends stopping by to visit – very nice. We had lunch at Wahoo Fish Tacos (yummy). We were in line to get my tea and Landon turns to this man behind us and says UP! He of course obliged. She was SOOOOOOOO working him. He just went on and on over her. I know this is cute now – but I am sure it will not bode well for the future. Do you think they make a chastity belt in Toddler size?

We are heading to North Carolina later this week. I am going for work on either end of the trip. The weekend will be in Greensboro visiting with the officials from Moldova. They will be in NC working with the adoption agency. I am so excited I cannot stand it. I can’t wait for them to see how well she is doing. We are using points to fly there – first class. I am thinking the two of us are small enough to share one seat in the pretty section of the plane.   Also key here is that in first class she gets free food and I get free booze. Life is good. Love to all.