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Monthly Archives: July 2010

COD

If you are waiting on something from me which requires postage, it may be a while.  Tonight as I was getting the girls their dinner, I notice Tennyson has a sort of colorful rash on her arm.  Concerned, I move in for further examination.   I see that it is in fact not a rash but stickers.  Actually it is not stickers but stamps, 44 cent stamps which Landon has plastered on her sister in a circular design. They had been there for a while because when I pulled them off, I got a little bit of toddler flesh.  Screams filled the house.

“LANDON?”

Can you guess what she said????

“Mommy twas an acc’dent.”       That little diddy may just be on her tombstone.

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Carol Ann – Go Toward the Light

I often feel as if our house is inhabited by beings other than the three of us (ghosts, spirits, something like that….)

Both girls make the most bizarre noises when they sleep – Tennyson breathes so deeply and heavily it sounds like a hot yoga studio in there.  Landon has a sort of snore, snort, spit kind of thing going – sounds like a sleestack (remembering Land of the Lost — sooooo long ago)

One of our creepiest toys is a phone which will just randomly shout out – “Help me call my friends” – produces a sit straight up in bed with a “can I help you” response, heart rate exceeding suggested maximum.

And finally I did purchase the cheapest baby monitor I could find.  It rarely picks up anything the girls say or do but does often sound like “Carol Ann…. Go toward the light…”    One night with it right beside me, it failed to alert me of Landon’s escape, but gurgled, spit, burped, and crackled while Landon snuck up behind me requesting water.   She was well hydrated once she peeled me off the ceiling.

Oh and there is the one ghost I personally saw…. Ah but for another installment…….

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Yellow?

This morning Landon said “Mommy your hair is yellow”.

WHAT?!  Yellow?  Yellow?  It is so NOT yellow.  Yellow is the color of the sun.   Yellow is well… a lemon.  Yellow is color # 4 in the Crayola 16 box.

“Honey Mommy’s hair is not yellow.  It has deep russet low lights,  warm auburn hues throughout, a honey gold brush around my face for accent, and a toner for an overall gloss.   You see?”

“Mommy it yellow.  But Mommy it not yellow right dere (pointing to my roots) – it like mud dere.”

AKKKKKKKKKKKKKK   Time for a touch up.

 
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Posted by on July 27, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

The Face Off

A glimpse in to the daily negotiations which define my life.  Picture a casino table in Vegas.  The show is on: Landon Lay Em Out Ozley approaches the table, pink cowboy tilted for full eye batting impact. Matching pink lipgloss in tow.  Undisclosed ammunition in hand.

Mommy Ozley approaches.  She is in yoga pants (of course) and her favorite cap (Got Wine?), libation in hand, ice jingling (backups in purse)

Seated and they begin.

“Landon, I would like you to take a nap, every day without struggle.  It is important that children get adequate rest” (and God knows I can’t survive without YOUR nap).  Landon completely disinterested and planning her attack.

Landon – “Mommy I will give you 30 minutes of napping for 4 choc-it kisses.”

HUSH across the stage.  Mommy Ozley gasps and points her finger.

“LANDON – you will nap and there may or may not be chocolate kisses, as you may or may not have earned them.”

Mommy Ozley takes a long sip – she feels empowered.

Landon concedes knowing full well there is no WAY Mommy can force her to nap.

Round #2

“Mommy – I don’t want to pick up my toys anymore.” “Landon that is fine… you do not need toys anymore then.”

Touche’ Mommy.

Mommy orders a fruit plate – she has this down.

Round #3

“Landon tonight I need you to brush your  teeth without a fuss.” “Mommy…. I don’t want to. “

“LANDON”

“Mommy – its not fun.  I want to do fun things.”

Landon thinking…. “Mommy I will brush but I NEEEEEEEED 2 ice cream bowls – beeg ones like grandpa’s.”

Mommy raising voice, screeching actually, “Landon you cannot eat all of that.  Grandpa does not even eat all of that and he is a grown man”

(why is Mommy Ozley doing this – she is losing ground – come back – seek your power)

“Landon no.  You can have only one bowl of ice cream.”

“A BEEG one Mommy?”

“Landon”

Tension mounting, Mommy sweating, libation getting low.

“Mommy I rearry need it”

“Landon you can have a medium one.”

Toddler win—Mommy realizing all Landon wanted was a small bowl of ice cream and she has now upgraded to medium.

DAMNIT

Round #4

Mommy notices a bauble on Landon’s neck – it is her pearl necklace. “Landon don’t get in Mommy’s jewelry.”

“Okay Mommy – but I need my own jew-ry. Can we go to the store?”

“not today – this weekend”

Parties Tie.  Win for Mommy b/c she cannot afford to lose any more jewelry.

Win for Landon b/c she has will get “jew-ry” but has no idea that Claire’s has all this crap for 59 cents.

Round #5

“Landon its about time for our bath – we need to end this.”

“MAAAA—–OMMMMMM.  NO”

“Landon yes”

“Mommy no.  I not done.”

Landon calling in the backup – you can hear a pin drop.

Mommy Ozley a tad nervous – what could it be?

Round the corner comes Tennyson Take Em Down Ozley

Landon gives her sister a high five with knuckle bump, whispering in her ear – “stick wit me, I have her nearly worn down.”

Mommy Ozley sees her sweet tiny toddler, clad in black and sporting a chain belt.  What the hell?

Tennyson is carrying a lollipop and da da da dum…oatmeal.

Mommy Ozley is visibly shaken.

Her reinforcements are only more Dewars.

Wait … she has a life line.   Call Dad.

Brring brring.

Grandpa answers and Mommy Ozley quickly relays the situation.  Dad… “um hmmm…. Um hmmm…”

“Dad SAY something”

“well dear…  you knew it was going to be hard… children will only do what you allow them to”

What the hell kind of answer is that?  Did I call Dr. Phil in error?

Mother of God, Tenny has a lollipop – I can tell you right now it will end up in my hair or hers.  And oatmeal – is that allowed in here?  I don’t have shower curtain to cover myself or a cookie sheet to deflect the flying fiber. Tenny perches at the table (with assistance) and arms herself w/ a spoonful of oatmeal.

“Okay ladies it is time for a quick bath and then bed.”

MOANS and CRIES all around.

“Mommy, I speak for Tenny too because she no talk yet – we no want to go”

“Landon that is tough; it is time.”

“Mommy I NEED cereal, then bed.  And Tenny needs a nana.”

“No Landon”

Tennyson begins to play w/ her oatmeal.

And her lollipop is completely lodged in her hair – there is no way to get that out now without a full on bath – maybe even ajax or a lubricant of sorts.

We begin the stare down.  Both girls are crying. Tennyson starts to screech.  She is out of control and about to swing .,,,

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Not the oatmeal…. This is RAW SILK.       AKKKKKKKK AKKKKKKKKKKK AKKKKKKKKKKK

“I FOLD”

“I CONCEDE “

“I PLEAD”

“I AM OUTNUMBERED”

“Whatever I need to do to get you two clean and in bed, I will DO IT.”

Mommy Ozley has hit rock bottom.Tenny and Landon clasp hands and perform the toddler victory dance … tabletop.

Mommy Ozley is face down in her libation.

Toddlers all over the world cheer their victory.

Moms all over the world – cry and TOTALLY get it.

 
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Posted by on July 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

The Sands of Mine

Well…. Today we went to the park.  A park with sand — akkkk!   You know what is coming. 

All is well except that I lost 5 pounds pushing 56 pounds uphill and back.  So sweaty was I,  I was afraid the massive double sexy stroller would slip from my grasp perhaps severing a limb or worse yet my neighbor’s daffodils. 

 Landon plays while I try to keep Tennyson from eating the sand and throwing it at other innocent children.    Landon then plops and proceeds to make huge exaggerated sand angels.  NOOOOOOOOO  I cannot stop her… it is underway.    I give up – I know it will be awful – but most of the damage is done.  

 Home we head, time for naps.  Landon, in her consistent nap avoidance behavior, uses all excuses (including I need to pee pee) to postpone the inevitable.  She proceeds to do her business and we both scream.  As she is removing her panties, it sounds as if the hourglass from The Wizard of Oz has broken open – all of the playground sand is now in my bathroom—we have a virtual sandbox.

 Remembering I am out of my Bobbi Brown exfoliation crystals, I start to scoop (I figure I can make my own until I can get to Macys)   Seriously this is one fantastic product and works with any cleanser, even the cheap ones from Target.(http://www.bobbibrowncosmetics.com/templates/products/search/index.tmpl?keywords=buffing+grains)

 At some point I will clean it all up, scrub the bathroom floor and also Clorox the bristle blocks which were sprayed earlier w/ pee pee as Landon flung the baby potty around.

                       OMG – if I need to Clorox the blocks….. what do I have to do to my hands????

You would never know these two cuties are plotting to overthrow the matriarch

 
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Posted by on July 25, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

And The Winner Is…..

And the Oscar for best dramatic performance in a home drama/comedy goes to (drum roll) ………. Landon Ozley

Acceptance Speech:

I want to thank ebreyone who heped me.  Spec-ly my mommy….. I try ebreyday to make a bigger deal out of most ebreything so she will to take one of those wittle pills.

She tries hard and only has to go on the porch about 1 or 2 times a day to scream rearry loud.

I want to thank all the companies that make my twirly dresses because they are so important to my bootiful-ness.   I also rearry love all the jew-ry people.  Jew-ry is my favorite cessory.

And my Grandpa who got me my sparkle shoes – they are so so so so so so so so so bootiful and are impotant to making me like a real Princess.  He rearry gets me and loves me.

Thank you for dis honor…. Was there a prize or something with it????

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Chokher

I have decided that I do not like people who match.  I mean I guess if you are twins or something that is okay.  I have no time to match anymore.  I wear yoga pants all the time – -to the gym, school, Sam’s Club, the bank, the theater (who am I kidding – I don’t get to the theater).   You can put on pearls or a nice bauble, pretty jacket or sweater with the YP (yoga pant) and people think you actually took time when getting ready.

If you do not own some LuLuLemon workout pants – do yourself and your classmates a favor and get some.  You will be happy with your reflection and will have a better yoga form – bank on it.

The school called to say once again Tenny is sick.  101.6 fever – Please!  I am not going to lie – I saw the number on my caller ID  when I finished at the gym and cried.  How much more can a girl take?    I am not sure what to do to stop this rampant sickness.

The girls were playing tonight as I tried to straighten just a bit.  I hear the scream and go running.  Tenny is crying.  I see Landon throwing something on the counter and Tennyson rubbing her neck.  It is the curtain sash.   She would not……..

“Landon did you put that around your sister’s neck”

“What Mommy?”

“That Landon”

“Mommy you so funny”

“LANDON answer ME”

“ Mommy no” looking away.

“Landon tell me the truth”

“Mommy…well…..Mommy…. you…. I love your bootiful hair”

“Oh… honey that is nic…”  Wait… Are you wor…wor…working me??????

I have a baseball cap on with various strands escaping creating a Medusa-like hairstyle; my hair is far from “bootiful”.

“LANDON!”

“Mommy…it…was… Mommy… you know…it was an accident”

I cannot believe this.  An accident that you tied a curtain sash around your sister’s neck and tried to walk her like a dog?

I also notice my desperately needed cocktail has moved.

“Landon… did you try Mommy’s drink?”

“no Mommy”

“Landon…come here…. Open your mouth”

Moving as if the world will end in 15 seconds…..

“Mommy…I….”

I smell and indeed the child has imbibed.

Honestly this recent growth spurt is really going to impact my drinking….. Must find higher elevation.

 
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Posted by on July 20, 2010 in Uncategorized

 
 
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