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Monthly Archives: July 2010

COD

If you are waiting on something from me which requires postage, it may be a while.  Tonight as I was getting the girls their dinner, I notice Tennyson has a sort of colorful rash on her arm.  Concerned, I move in for further examination.   I see that it is in fact not a rash but stickers.  Actually it is not stickers but stamps, 44 cent stamps which Landon has plastered on her sister in a circular design. They had been there for a while because when I pulled them off, I got a little bit of toddler flesh.  Screams filled the house.

“LANDON?”

Can you guess what she said????

“Mommy twas an acc’dent.”       That little diddy may just be on her tombstone.

 
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Posted by on July 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Carol Ann – Go Toward the Light

I often feel as if our house is inhabited by beings other than the three of us (ghosts, spirits, something like that….)

Both girls make the most bizarre noises when they sleep – Tennyson breathes so deeply and heavily it sounds like a hot yoga studio in there.  Landon has a sort of snore, snort, spit kind of thing going – sounds like a sleestack (remembering Land of the Lost — sooooo long ago)

One of our creepiest toys is a phone which will just randomly shout out – “Help me call my friends” – produces a sit straight up in bed with a “can I help you” response, heart rate exceeding suggested maximum.

And finally I did purchase the cheapest baby monitor I could find.  It rarely picks up anything the girls say or do but does often sound like “Carol Ann…. Go toward the light…”    One night with it right beside me, it failed to alert me of Landon’s escape, but gurgled, spit, burped, and crackled while Landon snuck up behind me requesting water.   She was well hydrated once she peeled me off the ceiling.

Oh and there is the one ghost I personally saw…. Ah but for another installment…….

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Yellow?

This morning Landon said “Mommy your hair is yellow”.

WHAT?!  Yellow?  Yellow?  It is so NOT yellow.  Yellow is the color of the sun.   Yellow is well… a lemon.  Yellow is color # 4 in the Crayola 16 box.

“Honey Mommy’s hair is not yellow.  It has deep russet low lights,  warm auburn hues throughout, a honey gold brush around my face for accent, and a toner for an overall gloss.   You see?”

“Mommy it yellow.  But Mommy it not yellow right dere (pointing to my roots) – it like mud dere.”

AKKKKKKKKKKKKKK   Time for a touch up.

 
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Posted by on July 27, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

The Face Off

A glimpse in to the daily negotiations which define my life.  Picture a casino table in Vegas.  The show is on: Landon Lay Em Out Ozley approaches the table, pink cowboy tilted for full eye batting impact. Matching pink lipgloss in tow.  Undisclosed ammunition in hand.

Mommy Ozley approaches.  She is in yoga pants (of course) and her favorite cap (Got Wine?), libation in hand, ice jingling (backups in purse)

Seated and they begin.

“Landon, I would like you to take a nap, every day without struggle.  It is important that children get adequate rest” (and God knows I can’t survive without YOUR nap).  Landon completely disinterested and planning her attack.

Landon – “Mommy I will give you 30 minutes of napping for 4 choc-it kisses.”

HUSH across the stage.  Mommy Ozley gasps and points her finger.

“LANDON – you will nap and there may or may not be chocolate kisses, as you may or may not have earned them.”

Mommy Ozley takes a long sip – she feels empowered.

Landon concedes knowing full well there is no WAY Mommy can force her to nap.

Round #2

“Mommy – I don’t want to pick up my toys anymore.” “Landon that is fine… you do not need toys anymore then.”

Touche’ Mommy.

Mommy orders a fruit plate – she has this down.

Round #3

“Landon tonight I need you to brush your  teeth without a fuss.” “Mommy…. I don’t want to. “

“LANDON”

“Mommy – its not fun.  I want to do fun things.”

Landon thinking…. “Mommy I will brush but I NEEEEEEEED 2 ice cream bowls – beeg ones like grandpa’s.”

Mommy raising voice, screeching actually, “Landon you cannot eat all of that.  Grandpa does not even eat all of that and he is a grown man”

(why is Mommy Ozley doing this – she is losing ground – come back – seek your power)

“Landon no.  You can have only one bowl of ice cream.”

“A BEEG one Mommy?”

“Landon”

Tension mounting, Mommy sweating, libation getting low.

“Mommy I rearry need it”

“Landon you can have a medium one.”

Toddler win—Mommy realizing all Landon wanted was a small bowl of ice cream and she has now upgraded to medium.

DAMNIT

Round #4

Mommy notices a bauble on Landon’s neck – it is her pearl necklace. “Landon don’t get in Mommy’s jewelry.”

“Okay Mommy – but I need my own jew-ry. Can we go to the store?”

“not today – this weekend”

Parties Tie.  Win for Mommy b/c she cannot afford to lose any more jewelry.

Win for Landon b/c she has will get “jew-ry” but has no idea that Claire’s has all this crap for 59 cents.

Round #5

“Landon its about time for our bath – we need to end this.”

“MAAAA—–OMMMMMM.  NO”

“Landon yes”

“Mommy no.  I not done.”

Landon calling in the backup – you can hear a pin drop.

Mommy Ozley a tad nervous – what could it be?

Round the corner comes Tennyson Take Em Down Ozley

Landon gives her sister a high five with knuckle bump, whispering in her ear – “stick wit me, I have her nearly worn down.”

Mommy Ozley sees her sweet tiny toddler, clad in black and sporting a chain belt.  What the hell?

Tennyson is carrying a lollipop and da da da dum…oatmeal.

Mommy Ozley is visibly shaken.

Her reinforcements are only more Dewars.

Wait … she has a life line.   Call Dad.

Brring brring.

Grandpa answers and Mommy Ozley quickly relays the situation.  Dad… “um hmmm…. Um hmmm…”

“Dad SAY something”

“well dear…  you knew it was going to be hard… children will only do what you allow them to”

What the hell kind of answer is that?  Did I call Dr. Phil in error?

Mother of God, Tenny has a lollipop – I can tell you right now it will end up in my hair or hers.  And oatmeal – is that allowed in here?  I don’t have shower curtain to cover myself or a cookie sheet to deflect the flying fiber. Tenny perches at the table (with assistance) and arms herself w/ a spoonful of oatmeal.

“Okay ladies it is time for a quick bath and then bed.”

MOANS and CRIES all around.

“Mommy, I speak for Tenny too because she no talk yet – we no want to go”

“Landon that is tough; it is time.”

“Mommy I NEED cereal, then bed.  And Tenny needs a nana.”

“No Landon”

Tennyson begins to play w/ her oatmeal.

And her lollipop is completely lodged in her hair – there is no way to get that out now without a full on bath – maybe even ajax or a lubricant of sorts.

We begin the stare down.  Both girls are crying. Tennyson starts to screech.  She is out of control and about to swing .,,,

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Not the oatmeal…. This is RAW SILK.       AKKKKKKKK AKKKKKKKKKKK AKKKKKKKKKKK

“I FOLD”

“I CONCEDE “

“I PLEAD”

“I AM OUTNUMBERED”

“Whatever I need to do to get you two clean and in bed, I will DO IT.”

Mommy Ozley has hit rock bottom.Tenny and Landon clasp hands and perform the toddler victory dance … tabletop.

Mommy Ozley is face down in her libation.

Toddlers all over the world cheer their victory.

Moms all over the world – cry and TOTALLY get it.

 
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Posted by on July 26, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

The Sands of Mine

Well…. Today we went to the park.  A park with sand — akkkk!   You know what is coming. 

All is well except that I lost 5 pounds pushing 56 pounds uphill and back.  So sweaty was I,  I was afraid the massive double sexy stroller would slip from my grasp perhaps severing a limb or worse yet my neighbor’s daffodils. 

 Landon plays while I try to keep Tennyson from eating the sand and throwing it at other innocent children.    Landon then plops and proceeds to make huge exaggerated sand angels.  NOOOOOOOOO  I cannot stop her… it is underway.    I give up – I know it will be awful – but most of the damage is done.  

 Home we head, time for naps.  Landon, in her consistent nap avoidance behavior, uses all excuses (including I need to pee pee) to postpone the inevitable.  She proceeds to do her business and we both scream.  As she is removing her panties, it sounds as if the hourglass from The Wizard of Oz has broken open – all of the playground sand is now in my bathroom—we have a virtual sandbox.

 Remembering I am out of my Bobbi Brown exfoliation crystals, I start to scoop (I figure I can make my own until I can get to Macys)   Seriously this is one fantastic product and works with any cleanser, even the cheap ones from Target.(http://www.bobbibrowncosmetics.com/templates/products/search/index.tmpl?keywords=buffing+grains)

 At some point I will clean it all up, scrub the bathroom floor and also Clorox the bristle blocks which were sprayed earlier w/ pee pee as Landon flung the baby potty around.

                       OMG – if I need to Clorox the blocks….. what do I have to do to my hands????

You would never know these two cuties are plotting to overthrow the matriarch

 
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Posted by on July 25, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

And The Winner Is…..

And the Oscar for best dramatic performance in a home drama/comedy goes to (drum roll) ………. Landon Ozley

Acceptance Speech:

I want to thank ebreyone who heped me.  Spec-ly my mommy….. I try ebreyday to make a bigger deal out of most ebreything so she will to take one of those wittle pills.

She tries hard and only has to go on the porch about 1 or 2 times a day to scream rearry loud.

I want to thank all the companies that make my twirly dresses because they are so important to my bootiful-ness.   I also rearry love all the jew-ry people.  Jew-ry is my favorite cessory.

And my Grandpa who got me my sparkle shoes – they are so so so so so so so so so bootiful and are impotant to making me like a real Princess.  He rearry gets me and loves me.

Thank you for dis honor…. Was there a prize or something with it????

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Chokher

I have decided that I do not like people who match.  I mean I guess if you are twins or something that is okay.  I have no time to match anymore.  I wear yoga pants all the time – -to the gym, school, Sam’s Club, the bank, the theater (who am I kidding – I don’t get to the theater).   You can put on pearls or a nice bauble, pretty jacket or sweater with the YP (yoga pant) and people think you actually took time when getting ready.

If you do not own some LuLuLemon workout pants – do yourself and your classmates a favor and get some.  You will be happy with your reflection and will have a better yoga form – bank on it.

The school called to say once again Tenny is sick.  101.6 fever – Please!  I am not going to lie – I saw the number on my caller ID  when I finished at the gym and cried.  How much more can a girl take?    I am not sure what to do to stop this rampant sickness.

The girls were playing tonight as I tried to straighten just a bit.  I hear the scream and go running.  Tenny is crying.  I see Landon throwing something on the counter and Tennyson rubbing her neck.  It is the curtain sash.   She would not……..

“Landon did you put that around your sister’s neck”

“What Mommy?”

“That Landon”

“Mommy you so funny”

“LANDON answer ME”

“ Mommy no” looking away.

“Landon tell me the truth”

“Mommy…well…..Mommy…. you…. I love your bootiful hair”

“Oh… honey that is nic…”  Wait… Are you wor…wor…working me??????

I have a baseball cap on with various strands escaping creating a Medusa-like hairstyle; my hair is far from “bootiful”.

“LANDON!”

“Mommy…it…was… Mommy… you know…it was an accident”

I cannot believe this.  An accident that you tied a curtain sash around your sister’s neck and tried to walk her like a dog?

I also notice my desperately needed cocktail has moved.

“Landon… did you try Mommy’s drink?”

“no Mommy”

“Landon…come here…. Open your mouth”

Moving as if the world will end in 15 seconds…..

“Mommy…I….”

I smell and indeed the child has imbibed.

Honestly this recent growth spurt is really going to impact my drinking….. Must find higher elevation.

 
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Posted by on July 20, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Beech-O

 Even though I have been near death (stretching it a bit although there was a day I felt I was about to die), I have gained a real appreciation for two things this week as a result my children:

McDonald’s French fries (damn! They are good) and Tater Tots.  On the Fry front …. I just don’t know … do they have crack in them?  Cocaine?  Isn’t that the same thing?  (I really don’t know the answer to that because I am really so lame).

 When we go to “Old MacDonalds” as Landon calls it, I let her hold one of the bags – NEVER EVER THE BAG WITH THE ACTUAL FRENCH FRIES IN IT.  I make her promise not to open it until we get home as she will not get the prize.  Tennyson is too young to really appreciate that the cheap plastic lead based paint thing from China is actually a prize…

 I quietly ride with the “fry bag” and nibble on heaven’s door for the 21 minutes it takes to get home.  Tennyson can kind of see me; but, I have become so good at hiding my secret pleasure, I think it could be a wedding cake and she would not really see it.

 And on the Tater Tot front….. I do love me some Tater Tots.  Not the squishy, soggy ones (because that is no better than a cheap hash brown) but a crisp hot tater tot, accompanied by a dip of good catsup.  Not much better.

 I met a man at the salad bar this week. Very nice and very handsome, right age range – looking up.  I hear all about his life story over the Romaine.  Loves animals, is healthy, sense of humor, etc. etc. etc. He reveals just as he is asking for my number that he has lived at home with his “mama” since he got out of college…. 27 YEARS AGO.  And… WE ARE DONE.    Speeding up the salad prep; wishing I had those sneakers with wheels in them.  I get the tough economy and the job challenges.…. HOWEVER, if you have a college degree and your “mama” ain’t sick AND you FREELOAD off of her for 27 years…. I am probably not the right door on which to be a’knocking.  

 Beech-O signing off.

 
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Posted by on July 18, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Dropping of the Trou

This week I have AGAIN been sick as a dog.   Virus causing 101.7 fevers in a middle aged woman and toilet hugging behavior – just madness.

I arrive at school to pick up the girls –  wondering if I can get there and back without heaving in the car (nice…).  Get Landon,… get Tennyson.  We are walking down the hall towards home – great … only a few more feet and I will just about escape notice – hiding behind my baseball cap.

I see a diaper on the floor – hmmm, well that is odd.  One must have fallen out of a parent’s bag.  Hug Tenny tighter…..she feels lighter you know…    Hang on… her butt is naked — how can that be….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..   Instead of the cold cocktail I thought my greet me and make me feel better, I feel a stream of warm pee pee running down my leg.  Tennyson was the rightful owner of the fallen diaper.

Fault:

  • Pampers design?
  • Application error?
  • Karma Kelly must have incurred as a wretched but wealthy queen in Elizabethan times?

My money is on #3.  I swear Murphy has crapped all over me lately – can he just move on to the next victim?

 
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Posted by on July 18, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Dream Maker

Its like Dream Weaver only without all the drugs and frizzy hair.

My girls are making their debut on Carolina Adoption Services.  Check them out…..

http://www.carolinaadoption.org/2010/07/01/your-dream-maker-%E2%80%A6-what-are-you-waiting-for/

Your Dream Maker … What Are You Waiting For?

No Comments Jul 01, 2010
Girls adopted from moldova

My story (by Kelly O.) – is one of hope and dreams coming true. It could be yours too. I FINALLY decided to adopt after breaking up with jerk of a boyfriend of 1 ½ years (that is another story which would require a lot of time and extensive therapy to share)… Moving on to the Divine Intervention I like to call Carolina Adoption Services (CAS).

I worked with CAS to complete applications, paperwork, background checks and all the other required stuff (and believe you me there is a lot). Cut to 7 months later and I am single mom of the most beautiful daughter (well one of the two most beautiful daughters – hint hint).

little girl adopted from Moldova

My world was upside down, I was all atwitter. Best time of my life. Most exhausting time of my life too – I am not going to lie to you. Very good weight loss plan too – chasing after an 11 month old.

Life changed on a dime – no more 3 dates a week with gorgeous wealthy men (oh wait…that never actually happened…). Playgrounds, oatmeal on my pants, sliding across the floor on a variety of Fisher Price toys – total bliss (well most of the time).

Then 1 year later I am dreaming of another child – I see her a few times in a dream (and no, I was not drinking). I call CAS again – brrring brrring – Kelly calling. Saddle up the horse, we are on a way again.

11 months later, I am home with child #2, beautiful girl. And yes I am still single and tired and happy. Both adoptions were different, stressful in their own unique ways, wonderful in their own ways. It’s a crazy life. I feel I owe so much to CAS and Moldova in general. It’s a wonderFULL life…never a dull moment.

Give me a C…………. give me an A………….give me an S………What do you have?

YOUR DREAM MAKER … WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

 
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Posted by on July 15, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Good Coverage

You see it a lot of places — women having children over 40:  Madonna, Halle Barry, Holly Hunter, Kelly Ozley…  So see, I am in good company.

The good things that came out of my waiting to be a mom are that I am REALLY clear on who I am and who I am not.   I have read virtually every self-help book in Barnes & Noble.  I have ironed out every problem that I can and have just come to understand the deep-seated issues are caused entirely by my parents (as I am perfect in every way) and will just leave me eternally scarred.

In my time as an old Mom, I have learned some key points to survival:

  1. Hang out with ugly people.  People will be so focused on how ugly your friends are, they won’t notice your wrinkles.
  2. Wear nice clothes to draw attention away from your old wrinkly face.
  3. For Gods sake, buy a moisturizer and I don’t mean Nivea.  Personally I love a face oil (Bobbi Brown makes one or you can make your own) and Ilike (that is the name ILIKE) Moisturers for old dry skin.  Both are the bomb!
  4. Wear a baseball cap or any hat really – it brings the attention up and hides stuff that really should not be seen.
  5. Find a dermatologist and get their frequent shopper card; you will need it.
  6. Bangs are your friend; they hide where nature was the least kind (and real bangs, not just wispies)
  7. Pull your hair in a real high tight ponytail – it lifts your whole face up (free facelift) – best to remove ponytail before migraine sets in.
  8. Be happy – you really do look younger.
  9. Sleep – -I have personally found this to be the best and hardest to find anti ager.  They make these things called Frownies (google them). You tape them on your face and sleep in them. When you wake up and remove them your wrinkles will be gone (ok not completely but you will see a BIG difference)
  10. Have a small child – they put everything in perspective. You WILL laugh more.  You just won’t care and that’s cool.
  11. SUNSCREEN – every day.
  12. Those big sunglasses that are so popular now …. Git yourself some – they take up a lot of face area.
  13. Cougar Behavior – if you date a younger man (and I have not yet but so would) people will not know if he is your son or your boyfriend (which means they may not immediately jump to judge).
  14. SPANX — ‘nough said  — Go to Nordstroms today. They squish, shove, lift and compress all sorts of things.
  15. Go light on the sparkles …. save the glitter for your kids artwork (gurl…. you know it will get in your cracks)
 
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Posted by on July 14, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

The Kiss That Got Away

So we joined a new gym – JCC – Jewish Community Center.  Very nice gym – I am excited about it.  Arrive at the desk to check in/sign paperwork.  “Hi… I’m Kelly Ozley… Ari has my paperwork here… he said he would leave it at the front desk.”

“oh which Ari?  Ari Feldman, Ari Ephron, Ari Greenfeld or Ari Kissling?”

Seriously… are you kidding me… remember two toddlers in tow here.

“Dude…I have no idea, he is like in membership or management”.

“Oh… they all are”

A little time and we found what we were looking for.

And we had our second swim lesson.   We finish our session and go to get my purse in the locker room.  There is a woman – COMPLETELY naked – could not have been more naked had she just left the womb .  She has these ENORMOUS mammary glands. I mean looked like they should have their own zip code….. EACH

Landon in her toddler innocence…..  “Mommy…. What ARE dose?  I mean I got nothing here.  Softly “well honey… you know how women have breast, like Mommy and…..”

“But dey are SOOOOOOOOO beeg! Mommy Wow!”

And we already know that toddlers are incapable of whispering – so you can imagine.   One woman snickered… the perp just gave me an evil glance.

And it was like Landon was drawn to this lady – kept moving closer to her…. Sort of like the mother ship.

Seriously though would it kill you to put on a bra and maybe some panties.   I mean … come on….no one needs to see that aakkkk!

The girls are on the upswing and fighting periodically (as is to be expected).  Landon screamed today and I turned to see Tennyson combing Landon’s leg and with a significant pressure.  “Tennyson… stop combing your sister’s leg”…. Never expected to say that.

The latest toddler “lie” goes like this:

downstairs in the laundry room.  I hear movement.

That cannot be… Tennyson is asleep and my angel Landon is also on her way to some winks.

Creeping up the stairs, I hit the landing and pause to see Landon on the stool, reaching over the counter for a Hershey’s kiss.

She turns and catches me out of the corner of her eye…..the show begins:

“MOMMY…. Hi….. I NOT getting a choc-it kiss.  I not Mommy.”

“really?”

All the while the tinsel is falling from her hand.

“Landon?”  — raised eyebrow, stern voice.

“Mommy….Mommy… jis calm down… I…I…I… all my wife….I jis want a kiss….thats all…jis because”

WHATEVER.

 
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Posted by on July 11, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Off Sides

Well…… I had my first business trip since having two children.  Oh My God – I left skid marks getting outta here.  Don’t get me wrong…. I love my children….. That said, a night in a nice clean and oatmeal free hotel room was quite appealing to me.  Red wine with no kids trying to take a sip or knock it over — heaven I tell you.

Well there were like hundreds of us there (seriously) – big IBM announcement.  I run in to a colleague who is also above me (literally and figuratively — he is like 6″5′ or so and a higher level than me).  “Kelly Hi — good to see you”.

“Oh yea…. you too”   I reach to shake hands.

Not enough.  He is going in for the cheek kiss.  Okay well…. I am known to be  a bit clumsy…….I shan’t disappoint.

There are so many things to decide – do I lean up, lean in, turn to the right, turn left, body stiff, body relaxed, shake hands while cheek kissing — its all too much  — and all these must be coordinated and cemented in about 4 seconds.  In the midst of all my decision making and movement —-AKKKK! One wrong turn and we are in a full on lip lock – SWEAR to God.  AKKKKK!  OMG OMG OMG He tried to make small talk as I sped away….I could not get out of there fast enough – my face an altogether new shade of red — flames beginning to peek through my ears.

I may have to quit….

 
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Posted by on July 9, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

The Monster Dance

I had my eyes dilated today.  What a pain in the arse.    You walk outside and it is like they stuck a well lit sparkler in your eye.  The doctor told me that if you drink a cup of coffee it will help w/ the symptoms.  What?  Does that sound right to anyone?  I am thinking he is getting kickbacks from Starbucks.

I hopped in the car and looked in the rear view mirror.  AKKKKK! AKKKKKKK!  Landon?     what?  Its all a blur… Her baby doll is sitting in her carseat — but when dilated …. it looks quite a bit like her.    I thought I had held her captive all day in the car…. hmmmmmmmm.

Okay so I wake up to Landon standing on my bed oh maybe 2:15 ish.  (Tennyson like a lamb asleep – God only knows how).   Landon is standing there holding her toy broom shouting “ON CAR….. ON CAR”.  Okay I am in a fog ….agreed… but what the heck…

“MOMMMMMMMMY….dey is a monster….its a reary beeeg one”

Oh…………… On Guard.

You cannot rationalize w/ a 3 year old on monsters.

“MOMMY …DO IT ….DO IT…..HURDRY…………..MOMMMMMMMY”

Sadly it is time for the  Monster Dance.  How it started I don’t know — probably the result of a night of sleep deprivation and an evil leaf blowing outside.  I must stand now… on the bed… not the floor.  I have to sing the song:

  • Monster …. Monster Be Gone
  • Monster…. Monster I know James Bond (it rhymes… kinda)
  • Monster…. Monster Out Tonight
  • Unless You Want a Mad Mommy Fight…..

And there has to be a dance… All the while the arms must wave, a howl, a football shuffle, back arch and one Saturday Night Fever John Travolta point to the sky to finish.  I must then jump off the bed to freedom ensuring Landon she is also free to go.  Over the top….. Yes.  Does it work?  Oh yea.

The dancing alone will scare any monster within a 60 mile radius away… so if you live close to me ….you are well protected

 
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Posted by on July 7, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Rethinking the Doo Rag

This morning CNN had a link to Bret Michaels which has forced me to rethink my position on The Doo Rag.  That man is SEXY!   I mean lets call a spade a spade – he is HOT. Not in my normal Michael Buble sort of a way (and he is seriously delish) but in a sort of hubba hubba do bad things to me kind of a way.      www.bretmichaels.com

I can see with total clarity my mother’s reaction to this:

“KELLY LYNNNNNNNNN ….you cannot mean that.”   GASP…. GASP again…. Chest clutch….. raising head to God with a silent prayer so he may save her wanton daughter.

“Kelly…that….that man is … he is…just..… just filthy I tell you.. He just needs a bath…. Just nasty……  I bet he does…….. drugs.” (the last word in the hushed Southern Belle whisper that makes it all okay to say).

“Mom I think you can bank on that one.”

“Kelly please tell me you are not thinking of..of…of… dating that…that… oh…him”.

“That’s it Mom — you have cracked my master plan.  His family will be very upset.“

“I have to go Kelly”

“Why Mom?”

“I am calling my Sunday School leader…. I am adding you to the prayer list.   What do you all do in that…that… Denver?  I really think you should go to Church”

And if you are hot enough to pull off the Doo Rag, you are also well equipped should you encounter a snake while hiking or shopping at The Target.

 
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Posted by on July 6, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

The Doo Rag

4th of July at the Doc in the Box again.  This time me –honestly I felt awful.

My doctor walks in sporting a Doo Rag — which I am renaming a Don’t Rag as they really don’t look good on anyone. “What brings you here today?”  Um…. the coffee?

  • congestion
  • achy
  • nausea
  • fever
  • headache

I recap all my challenges with the Doo Rag and he says “well how can I help you today?  What one thing can I help you with at urgent care?”

Okay………… um…. “I’d like to look like Halle Berry — can you make that happen?”  Perplexed “excuse me?”   “Okay doctor… I would like to feel like I am not about to damn die”.    Needless to say he was no help — gave me some Flonase and told me that I really should eat something — yea… thanks for that.

Landon cared for me during my illness — you can imagine. “Pat Pat Pat your head mommy”  Pummel Pummel Pummel.  “Mommy let check chur troat” as she tried to stick a flashlight down it.  I stopped her dead in her tracks when she moved toward my hind quarters with the thermometer.

Landon has figured out that I have name other than Mommy.  She loves getting up and saying Hi Keeeeely….   It really is funny.

She also has been working on her greetings of others, the latest    “Hi dere….whats chur problem today?”    God only knows where she got that.

Tenny is fine — gaining weight and so tall most of her 18 month clothes are mid-driffs now.  She is good and sticky most all of the time.  Her peepops (suckers) can generally be found in my hair or adhered to a random piece of furniture.

And I am topping an otherwise stellar holiday weekend watching Jake and Vienna and the reason for their breakup.  Seriously?  With two such fine and upstanding folks as yourselves?    I think he needs to go back to flying planes and she needs to find a pole and start dancing.

 
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Posted by on July 5, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

The Buttermaid

Today as we left for school Landon had packed her bag of critical items she would need throughout the day.  “Mommy dis my bag…. I need all deas things…..its my bag… so peas stay out”.   I just had to peek:

  • Milk
  • Apricots
  • Her new half butterfly/half mermaid doll – I have named her The Buttermaid (which I think destines her for a career in porn)
  • Popcorn kernels
  • A jar of mustard

I am not really sure what to make of this combination – but am sure some therapist would have a hay-day with it.

Landon had her soccer practice yesterday.  Coach Kyle shows up (late 20’s/early 30’s quite cute – definitely Cougar worthy).  We had curled Landon’s hair so it was quite fluffy.  Landon said:  “um… coach Kyle…you.. um…you…like my hair?  It all curly” all the while batting eyes and hand fluffing her locks.  OMG – I am scared.

Last night we rescued two puggles from the middle of the street. I  kept thinking the one was really fast until I noticed the two together.  No tags, no owner in sight … but many cars.  So guess who came to dinner.  Signs out pretty quickly as I knew their “parents” would be scared (which was quite the feat when juggling meals, baths, and bed).

Landon and Tennyson were beside themselves – it was absolute chaos.  Finally we get Tennyson to bed and have the pups on the porch as they are barking so much my neighbors are starting to complain.  Landon makes herself a bed out there and tells me to “peas leave her alone… I know how take care of babies and chu making deas puppies nervous”.   Well!  I know when I am not appreciated.  9:00 the Daddy calls and saw the flyer – here he comes.  Landon quite distraught…. “my babies….dey need me”.   All is well in the end – although we did discuss the value of tags on animals as this madness is something I am not anxious to repeat again any time soon.

Anyone have any idea for oatmeal removal. It is Tennyson’s medium of choice these days, as well as, hair styling product.  I’ve not seen anything quite like it.  Everything I put on has a large glob somewhere on it of either fresh or dried oatmeal. I have been told twice lately that I smelled nice… like an oatmeal cookie.

Happy 4th.

 
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Posted by on July 2, 2010 in Uncategorized

 
 
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