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Monthly Archives: May 2011

Afternoon Delight

31 May

I took my oldest to the movie.
Sort of a special Mom/daughter thing.

We saw Kung Fu Panda 2
why?
Did we need two Kung Fu Panda movies?

Anyway

This is a kids’ movie…
And violent…
A lot.
Flying wolves…
With one eye
And canons shooting holes in various animals.

“how many times do I have to kill you?  Somebody just kill him”

From the mean white peacock.

Nice Dreamworks.

Thank you for the nightmares…

and crowded bed which are sure to come.

On the way back to our car…
And post frozen yogurt with sprinkles and gummy worms…
We?

Have a lot of energy

So …

Squirming…

“Mommy I not want to walk”

Collapse

Drama

Hair flip

Hand on hip.

BIG DRAMA

Okay…

I just took you to a movie…
and a crappy one…

Let me assure you I would have rather been getting a pedicure.

And in this fit of madness…

She climbs on to hood of a car…

No…

Not ours.

Like a redneck at a drive-in.
What the hell?

I mean I saw her walking toward it…
But we are not heathens.

ACCKK!

If you have kids…

You know they do things…

Which you just cannot believe

Like grabbing Mrs. Keeter’s boob

at the Christmas party.

Well!
I cannot breathe.
Seriously, think I need a cute paramedic…
And am wondering if I can stomp out 911
In my espadrilles.

I just cannot believe this…
“LANDON NOOOOOOOOOOO…. GET DOWN”

Which just makes it all the more funny.

And serves as an involuntary trigger to crawl up HIGHER.

OMG.
WHO? is this child?

And people?
People?

There is a man in the car…

IN THE DAMN CAR

I SWEAR.

Grabbing her…

Mouthing my apologizes to him.

Hands in the air in despair…

Planning my name and contact information if questioned…

Mitzi

Fleishman

My fake names always sound like Jewish stripper.

I just..
What is happening here?
Maybe he can’t actually see me.

And do you know what people?
He smiled at me…
winked…
And raised his can.

His can of BEER…
This dude! was having a brewski…
In the parking lot…
Before catching a flick.
At 3:30 in the afternoon.


But sadly?

He looked NOTHING like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on May 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Daylight Savings Sucks

26 May

Daylight savings time sucks…
It just does.

And for you outdoorsy types

wanting to go for a run after 7 p.m.

They may treadmills for that sort of thing.

Daylight savings time brings nothing but trouble

First of all you lose one hour of sleep that first night

ONE WHOLE HOUR

To a mother of small children…

You might was well cut off my right hand.

Then the kids are off the rest of the next day
Probably won’t nap…

But the worst part happens at night…
EVERY NIGHT!

5:20 p.m. pick up small children

Preferably yours…

But consider others if they are more well behaved.

5:30 p.m. in carseats locked and loaded.

Let the food fight begin!

“Mom she has more pretzels than me…

She has tree more dan me”

Landon apparently has Savant-like abilities when it comes to pretzel counting.

Eibapag gabba gibba blat!  MINE MINE MINE

Is all I can make out of Tenny’s rant.

Resolved with graceful Mommy arm sweep to the back.

Much like an elephant grabbing his nuts…

Peanuts – I guess I should say.

Geez people.

Have in hand extra three pretzels.

Crunch!

Munch!

Yum!

Problems solved.

Arriving home at 5:50 p.m.

Quickly running in lowering all blinds…

In an effort to block the searing SUN…

Trying to create a calm and sleep inducing environment.

Even though the damn daylight savings sun is illuminating the now closed blinds like the 4th of July fireworks display.

Fire up the microwave…

Zap that healthy meal…

In 5 minutes and 30 seconds.

“BATH TIME”

The lights are off.

No need to see the dirt…

I will just assume it is everywhere.

Cuz…

it is.

“Mommy why you has da lights off?”

“SHHHH”

“RELAX”

“JUST RELAX”

Yeah… that ought to work.

The place is in lockdown.

Doors locked.

Blinds down.

Curtains drawn.

Brusha brusha brusha

“Time for bed girls!”

Yeehaw for me!!

“NO”

“Landon I said it is time for bed”

“But Mommy… it not dark yet… it not night night time”

As she walks to the window…

“NO!”

“DO NOT TOUCH THAT WINDOW”

“NO!”

Sweet Lord above DO NOT let her see the light.

But she is quick.
And I?
Am tired from all my chores.

ACKKK!
The light…
The light…
My eyes!

“Mommy…it be so light… see?

It time to play”

ACCCKKKKK!!!!

DAMN THAT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME!

 
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Posted by on May 26, 2011 in Bedtime, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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I Got The Music In Me…

23 May

I would like to offer you moms some superior advice.

I like MUSIC…
A lot.

So we routinely jam…

(which is really more like a seated convulsion)
On the way to school…
And back.


But…
Some of the songs are just not appropriate for little ears…
So you need to change them.

And they often prompt questions…

for which you are not prepared at 7:00 in the morning.

I realize for those less creative than me (seemingly ALL OF YOU!!)
does my modesty astound you??
This may be a stressful task.

But I?

Am the master…

So… let me show you…

Now you may ride to school…

Singing all the way…

And feeling no stress whatsoever.

I Kissed a Girl

…Katy Perry
I kissed a squirrel
Try it …it totally works.

The Bitch Is Back

(if you find an oldie station)

which are my favorite.

The Witch is back.

and?  if your children push you?

tell them you know her personally and not to make you call her.

Do That To Me One More Time

“Mommy….what dat song about?”

“Um..

Tickling…

It is about tickling.”

Note:  For all songs when they ask what are they about…

Which mine do all the time…

The answer is tickling.

Or

How much they love and cherish their mother.

I Want To Be Your Lover

Who does not love some Billy Ocean?
What do you MEAN…
Who is Billy Ocean???
I want to be your brother works well.

 

I’m Bringing Sexy Back

New version:
I’m bringing Mexy back…

And when asked…

You say: he is really fond of Mexican food and wants to add it to the school menu.

See how this works?
It is nothing short of brilliant right?

Funky Town?

“Mama … where is FunkyTown…”
Duh…
“In all the Shrek movies honey”

She Bang!

Try?

She sang….

But…

as this is Ricky Martin…

He probably meant she banged pots and pans…

So really it IS totally innocent.

Lets Talk About Sex…

Salt-N-Pepa.
Just turn it off…
I can’t work with this one.

Does Your Mother Know?

I just use this as a chance to throw in that

“your mother always knows”

And…

she always sees.

EVERY TIME.

Redneck Woman…

“Mama what is dat?”

“OH?

Well…

she has a red pashmina she wears in the winter.”

“A what?”

“Never mind honey…

You will never live in a trailer park…

This is an irrelevant discussion.”

Mama He’s Crazy

“Mommy who he is?  Who is so crazy?”

“Honey… all hes are crazy”

Nuff said.

So sing…
Sing a song…
Sing out load…
Sing out strong…

 
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Posted by on May 23, 2011 in Music, Uncategorized

 

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Are We There Yet?

17 May

Every day…

I am asked this

In every way

From a very impatient child

About 15 times

EVERY DAY!!!

Hustle Hustle

In the car…
Carseats secure…

Key in the ignition

“Mommy…are we there yet?”

“Landon?

We are still in the garage.”

Pulling out … in traffic

Stopping at light…

As that is the law.

Landon…

“Mommy? Are we there yet?”

“Landon?

How many cars are in front of me?”

“A lot Mommy”

“And how many schools?”

“No schools Mommy.”

GRRRRRRRRR

Onward…

Traffic light again…

1 mile from school.

Passing McDonalds…

“Mommy?

Are we there yet?”

“Landon?

What is that place there?”

“Old MacDonalds”

Close enough…

“and do you go to school at McDonalds?”

“Mommy…CAN we go to school there… can we …. CAN WE CAN WE CAN WE CAN WE?”

For heavens sake…

this child has driven …

well ridden technically

(but that would make for an interesting blog)

to school 5 days a week for over 3 years.

She can tell you every store

stop light

every homeless person…

and when you are not going in the right direction.

SO Why??

Why does she ask me this in what appears to be a Rainman inspired chant.

Oh! Joyous Moment... we have arrived.

Finally…
In the parking lot…

“Mommy… are we there yet?”

“Yes..

Thank God …
We are.”

 
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Posted by on May 17, 2011 in Misbehaving

 

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The Mac Daddy

15 May

4 year olds?

Lie

To your face.

With absolutely no shame.

So…

I am putting her sister down for her nap.

It is suspiciously quiet in the other room.

I come out to see Landon munching on something…“

What are you eating?”

Quiet

Thinking

What will work this time?

“Landon?”

“Mac and Cheese”

She says…

As the jelly bean coating hits my glasses.

Now?

I am southern for sure

BUT

I did now fall off the turnip truck yesterday.

A friend gave us a huge jar of jelly bellies.

And I notice that the stool is oddly placed directly beneath that jar.

HMMM?

The lid askew.

And I know while there are some outlandish jelly bean flavors…

But there is NOT a mac and cheese one.



So the little stinker has lied to me.

To Me!

Her Saintly Mother.

And I do remember as a child…

Sort of tricking my sister.

But not LYING…

Oh no!

I would just say “ask Dad if can have ice cream”

“Daddy…can we have ice cream”

“NO!”

“WAAAAA”

And honestly it took her forever to figure it out

Until one day I tried again…

“ask Dad if we can go to the pool”

Do ti do ti do

“Dad…Kelly wants to know if we can go to the pool”

DAMNIT… cracked my master plan.

But this?

This?

is out and out lying…

Not at all like my occasional white fib…

Like the carpet monster…

The Carpet Monster-- EEEK!

You know…

The one that lives in their carpet…

And will eat their toes off if they get out of bed again.

Hee hee hee.

 
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Posted by on May 15, 2011 in Cooking, Misbehaving

 

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Dinner for Mommy

09 May

For Mother’s Day, my 4 year old made me “dinner”

“Mama”

“Yes?”

“I made you some’ting to eat”

“Oh?”

“Yes…

here you go”

It?

Is served on a Barbie plate

Somewhere between the size of a quarter and half dollar

And unless?

My wine has already kicked in…

It is invisible?

“Oh Wow honey!”
“Yea I know Mommy…

It be so ‘licous”

“It is tonica”

?????

“Tonica and matas”

Say what???

“Oh did you use tomatoes?”

“and pantenias”

“Panties?”

“Mommmmmmmy…..NO…. not panties…pantenias”

What in the hell is a pantenia?

“And it is topped wit trees and cream?”

“Trees?”

“MOOOOMMMM!  Not trees. I said TREATS.”

She is 4 and rolling her eyes as if this is about to kill her.
How did I become so stupid is such a short period of time.

“Oh”

“and… on top of da treats is sprinkles”

Which sprinkles are required for everyDAMNthing…

  • Eggs
  • Ice cream
  • Applesauce
  • Her hand

“and Mommy….

Mommy…

In da middle is a sa’prise…

I not gonna tells you what it is”

Half breath…

“Mommy?”

“It a spaceship”

“wit… Arians…

Under the whip creamzzzzzzzzzzz”

What???
Arians???

With whipped cream???

Where does she get this stuff?!

Maybe this is why I can never get her ass in the bed at night.

Because that imagination has been working all day on reasons NOT to comply.

“Mommy I need watermelon ginerale with chocolate sprinkles soda” (is there even such a thing?)

“Mommy….you are definately definately bootiful”

nice touch… will give her that.

“Mommy my puppy needs a haircut”

We?

Do not have a dog.

“Mommy I has to go to the bathroom because my fairy Godmutter told me to.”

“Mommy… Mommy…I be so worried about you.  I should watch dat movie with you so you don’t be so scared.”

You can see I do not stand a chance here.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on May 9, 2011 in Cooking, Sleep

 

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Little Pearls

04 May

With Mother’s Day just around the corner, I am recalling some pearls of wisdom (a.k.a. lessons I have learned the hard way)

Cook everything with cheese

– you can cover up a lot of healthy food with cheese.

Keep your makeup under lock and key

OMG

Put your kids’ school clothes on for “night night”.   You can skip that whole dressing thing in the morning.

Hit them with a spritz of wrinkle release in the morning and you are good to go.

Get earplugs…and a backup pair

between the fighting, whining, and constant name calling (MAMA…MOM…. MOMMY)…

they will go to good use.

Don’t let them watch the Wizard of Oz…

until they are at least 20…

unless you want them in your bed every night.

Between that green witch and the flying monkeys… ACCCKK!

Watch your mouth…

they will remember EVERY bad word you say…

and NONE of the discipline you dole out such as…

a.    Stop hitting your sister…
b.    Don’t throw your toys
c.    Don’t eat the cat food
d.    No spitting out the window

The earth has some sort of magnetic property that attracts your kids whenever they are clean…

don’t fight it…

just buy more in the brown family (taupe, ecru, sand, espresso)

so it all blends in.

Don’t throw up when they eat pats of butter…

they will just want to do it more.

but DAMN that is disgusting!

Refrain from laughing when they say “move it lady” in the grocery store

(knowing full well they hear you say it daily on the way to school)

Don’t ask them how you look in your new jeans….

UNLESS you are prepared for a brutally honest answer…

“Mommy- dat just not good”

Stop buying oatmeal…

it will not end up?

only on your ass, your new blazer, your hair.

It will not, however end up in your child’s mouth or digestive track.

Any cereal in your cabinet without at least 2 cups of refined sugar and three neon colors will be of no interest.

Find a liquor store that delivers.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on May 4, 2011 in Misbehaving, Toddler

 

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Ms. Barbara Streisand

01 May

Are you a Gleek?

I so am.

Actually we as a family are.

Meaning my girls love it too.

The parts they are allowed to watch.

Not the part about being knocked up at 16…

Or being gay…

Or being a loser…

Actually they only really get to watch the songs come to think of it.

But?!

I love the songs and dancing.

LOVE it!

Sadly?

Live for it all week

And am oh so over 40.

So this week.

They did a number of songs, but my favorite?

Barbara Streisand.

Diva in da house

Not her.

Not the diva herself

But the song…

Barbara Streisand

by Duck Sauce.

Way complicated song.

Two lyrics in the entire song.

Repeated about every 24 seconds.

And they are?

Barbara Streisand.

Seriously I am thinking how long?

Just how long did it take to write this song?

But tell me you are not tapping your foot.

See?

Contagious.

I can so hear my mom now…

“Duck Socks?

Kelly Lynn?

Are they Chinese?

You know I do like a little Lo Mein”

“MOMMMM!

Duck Sauce not Duck Socks?

Why would a duck need socks?”

Why?

Am I having this ridiculous conversation…

IN MY HEAD

So the song is AWESOME.

And my girls and I rocked it this evening.

It was?

Embarrassing!

Full on move the furniture…

Get Jiggy with it…

Sing in to the spatula …

FUN!

And I taught Landon the words.

She really does have an amazing vocabulary for a 4 year old.

So this?

will be easy.

“So honey…this song is about the quintessential diva”

“Mommy? What is queen sential?”

“Never mind that part…honey… her name is Barbara Streisand”

“Oh”

So here we go…

She tries every 24 seconds when the time comes to pay tribute to Babs.

“Borrow Nightstand”

“No honey… Barbara Streisand”

La la la la la

“Barra’s trash can”

“Honey… b-a-r-b-a-r-a  s-t-r-e-i-s-a-n-d”

La la la la la

“Bra bra Dry Skin”

WHATEVER!

 
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Posted by on May 1, 2011 in Misbehaving, Music

 

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