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Monthly Archives: November 2011

Fuchsia

Landon has a friend…

I met her tonight.

 

I could hear them

Talking.

“Oh yea…

Me too.

I has to ask my mom…

She probably say no.

UGH!”

 “Oh… my… GOSH…

are you serious?”

 

Hmmm?

 

Walking in the bathroom…

 

“Landon…

To whom are you speaking?”

“Um…my friend”

Giggle

Giggle

“oh yea…me too”

 

“Landon?

Where?

Is your friend?”

 

Eye roll.

Hand on hip.

I must remind myself that?

despite her apparent disgust with me…

She is still only 4.

“Mom….

right dere…

in da bathtub”

 

I see only?

the random toy

and my spilled bottle…

of Biolage Color Care Shampoo

 

Oh!

Perhaps…

Mommies cannot…

see

her friend.

 

“Well?

What is her name”

“Magenta!”

 Magenta?

 

I am sorry.

Is she?

A high end

H  O  O  K  E  R?

 

But their conversation?

is a scream.

“OH MY GOSH!

Are you kidding me?”

Really?”

“I love it…

Oh yea…

My Mom did my hair like dat too…”

“I really like dat pink…

I’m going to ask my Mommy if I can has dat too Magenta”

 

“Landon don’t you have any other friends here?”

Like with normal names?

“Oh well…

Magenta’s muther is here”

 

“Oh really?

And what is her name?”

“Pink Frosting”

What?

 

“Magenta’s mother is Pink Frosting?”

 

More eye rolling.

And I say it.

What I heard all my life…

mostly from my parents…

 “if you keep doing that, your eyes will get stuck that way”

 

And then?

I ask her to get out of the tub.

“Magenta…

I has a go…

My mommy is making me…

Get out of da bathtub”

“Mommy…

Pink Frosting says you are a mean Mommy”

 

“does she now?”

“Well…

at least…

I did not…

name you Fuchsia”

“OH MOM!”

 

30 second pause…

hey Mom?”

 

“yes”

“could my name really be Fuchsia?”

 

Oh God!

 
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Posted by on November 28, 2011 in Misbehaving

 

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Three Shots

How did your Thanksgiving Eve go?

 

Mine?

The morning started with a shot.

Good Lord – not alcohol

Although…

 

The flu shot…

All 3 of us

One stop shotting.

 

So I go first…

In the arm…

And it?

Hurt

It did.

But I did not utter a word…

As the stoic mother of two toddlers

 

The baby goes next…

Almost three.

She before her sister…

Because when it comes to a shot…

She?

Is NOT the baby.

 

I hold her arms.

As instructed…

She is scared.

But before?

She is able to muster a real cry

It is over.

And now her almost 5 year old sister.

“Landon?”

I say

As I do not see her.

She has crawled under one of the chairs.

I reach….

Only to have her quick legs escape my grasp.

I lift the chair completely.

She is not there.

She has scooted at a near record pace…

Under the adjacent chair

 

Grabbing again I go.

Nada.

I lift the  second chair.

And then fall to the floor

Scooping up…

My cherub.

Arms and legs flying.

Screams abound.

At her impending doom.

 

The pregnant nurse and I wrestle Landon to the table.

DRAMA

DRAMA

DRAMA

Poke, bandaid, done!

The nurse is so excited…

“I have stickers for you two”

 

Stickers?

Stickers my ass.

I felt compelled to tell her that in a case such as this…

You need at least chocolate…

Typically a toy of some sort.

Such as those in the McDonald’s Happy Meal

She will thank me in 3 months…

When her little Mason…

Pops out

 

The rest of the day is easy…

The kids are at school.

Ergo.

 

But I must pick them up

It is the law.

We order Domino’s.

Which is just the bee’s knees

The think they are royalty.

 

And then the bath…

Landon removes her bandaid.

And begins to yell:

“dey is blood”

 

I examine.

“Honey?”

 

“Mommy…

I be so bleeding”

 

“Honey…

that is tomato sauce…

from the pizza”

 

“Oh”

 

Then two little girls in the bathtub.

Is there a sweeter sight?

 

Until?

Landon

“Mommy…

I has to poop…

NOW”

 

Whoosh!

There she goes.

And I look down…

to something brown.

Two something browns.

Poop

Poop times 2

In the tub.

 

Her sister screams

“dat goss….

Gets it….

Gets it Mommy”

 

And I do…

With my bare Mommy hand.

And I am laughing…

Nearly crying…

Laughing at this nonsense.

And I am thankful.

Thankful for these two silly girls…

And the J.Lohr Cab in the kitchen.

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ALL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2011 in Poop, Potty, Sick, Sick Kids

 

Jezebel

It was Jimmy’s birthday

At school

And Jimmy’s mom…

Well?

She gave the kid’s a goodie bag.

Not really a goodie bag…

But a goodie thing.

And do you know what that WOMAN?

That Jezebel?

Gave them?

A Paint set!

WTF

 

I mean Jimmy is 5 now.

She has had 5 years to figure out…

you don’t give that shit to kids.

 

These paints?

Not watercolor

Not washable

Paints

Tempera paints

Made in China.

Even the instructions are in Chinese.

 

She gave 24 kids paints.

Which means?

48 parents who would like to have her killed.

 

My goodie bags…

Are delightful.

Kid friendly…

Parent friendly.

Washable crayons

Bubbles

Perhaps a glo stick

A small ball…

Too big to ingest.

 

Landon cannot wait

“Mommy can I paint?”

“Mommy can I paint?”

“Mommy can I paint?”

“Mommy can I paint?”

It is an annoying mantra.

 

“Not now” I say.

“It will be more fun tomorrow”

She is clear once again…

I am completely full of crap.

 

But I couldn’t handle the paint

And 24 hours is AGONIZING when you are 4.

It is as if they are screaming at you…

PAINT ME WITH

NOW!

OR ALL THE MONSTERS ON THE PLANET WILL EAT YOU!!

 

I was asked 14 times on the way to school…

11 on the way home

(took a shortcut home)

 

So…

We paint

And if the 4 year gets to paint?

Well the 2 year old must too.

 

And the colors are not even anything that might match our house –

Taupe

Brown

Black

Leopard print

Nothing pottery barn’esque

 

No they are vibrant

Cobalt blue

Sunny yellow

Radish Red

The color of blood…

Jimmy’s Mommy’s blood.

 

Which? Is now on

My table

My chair

 

And worst of all…

My lulu lemon athletic top

Athletic Deep V

The one with the boob enhancers

 

OMG OMG OMG

 

I am not sure I can go on…

 

But and So…

I have one happy 4 year old…

And me?

Pissed

Scrubbing with a variety of cleaning product combinations

Expecting they could ignite at any moment

 

And while I clean.

I ponder…

I plot…

Plan.

 

We have 55 days til our 5th birthday.

But I know what I am going to give out at Landon’s party…

Stampers with cute notepads

The non-stain kind

EXCEPT for Jimmy.

Oh no…

He is getting?

Finger Paints.

A full set.

Neon shades.

How’s that for a goodie bag?

Beech!

Are we clear Beech? No more paints.

 
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Posted by on November 20, 2011 in Painting, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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Mama Is On Her Way

Mama is coming…

To visit

For the holidays…

I may need to move some things.

Really just a painting.

Mama doesn’t like it

“it is not appropriate”

You see.

 

This is not new.

Mama came to visit a few years ago.

Pre-children.

She walked in…

Barely over the landing…

“KELLY LYNN!”

 

“What?”

 

“Why?”

“why…

Why…do you have a vagina over your fireplace?”

 

“WHAT??”

 What the What???

Mom…

what are you….

WHAT?”

 

“Right there…

I reckon that is a vagina…

I know…

That is a VAGINA.”

 

“Mom…

Geez!!

That is a Georgia O’Keefe

 

“oh my God… you named it”

 

“Mother…

that is the name of the artist…

Georgia O’Keefe”

 

“well…

it is a vagina

IT IS!”

 

Now Georgia did like to paint the flower…

A.K.A….

Va-jay-jay!

Mama is not the first to notice the similarity.

 

So I have a new one now…

A Talantbek Chekirov…

Don’t worry I can’t pronounce it either.

 I really like him.

I think his work is beautiful

Sensual

Tasteful

 

Well…

You know Mama.

She does not.

 

“Kelly…

Why is that man humping her…

Right here in your living room?”

 

Oh God.

 

“Mom…

he is hugging her…

comforting her.”

 

“Right there…

It is right there…

In your living room”

 

“Kelly…

That is NOT appropriate…

I swainee it is not…

Your girls…

What will they think?”

 

“Mom…

The girls still think dogs humping…

Are playing leapfrog…

I think we are okay”

 

So…

maybe…

yes maybe…

I will just leave it up…

And go to the liquor store.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on November 14, 2011 in Parenthood, Parenting

 

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Da Fection

 

We had our first sleepover.

I forgot…

Just how cute

AND LOUD

Little girls are.

 

 

 

SCREAMING!

For no reason.

Because there is a bit of dust

next to our sippy mug

Because Dora saw Swiper

8 times now

In 24 minutes.

SCREAMING

Because we?

Snuck 62 Skittles

Screaming because?

We can!

 

Giggle Giggle Giggle

“I love you”

“You are my best friend Landon”

“Will you be my forever friend Angelique?”

 

“MOM!!!”

“Can Angelique live here forever?”

“No”

“MOOOOOOM!!”

“Well…honey her mother will be very upset”

“When is she leaving?”

“tomorrow honey”

WAAAAAAAAAAAA             WAAAAAAAAA            WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“I don’t want her to leave.”

 

“Why not focus on the fun you are having now?

And Not?

When she is leaving”

 

“Oh Mom!!!”

You has jis no idear”

You be so fundulating to me? “

Fun – du – what??

(after much concentration — i deduce this to be frustrating)

 

And I also forgot how much we HATE our little sister

When we are having big girl fun

And how little sisters

“day be so ruining everything”

 

Okay…

But this time little sister

Has a cold

And an ear infection

Which prompts:

 

“MOM!!!!

Tenny be so sick

Her nose is just goss!

Can you make her jis go away?”

 

Well… let me see if I can find my magic wand.

 

“honey… please… calm down”

 

“Mommy!

Did you know?”

(I hear did you know 15 times a day)

 

“Dat… if Tenny gets her algaes

(read as allergies…

I think)

“On me and Angelique

We will get da ‘fection

And DIE!”

 

And so continues the drama… I know will be mine forever.

ahem!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on November 7, 2011 in Misbehaving, Sick Kids

 

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Educating Mommy

There are things I never knew…

Never even thought about…

until I had children.

 

Such as:

I never knew…

That the most precious gift

in life IS?

Not love.

It is not your husband…

Or a keepsake from your Grandmother.

It is SLEEP!

And so valued because of its rarity and elusive nature.

 

I never thought I would hate Dr. Seuss.

But I do.

At 8:00 p.m.

And a full day of work…

I cannot perform that sadist’s tongue twisters

 

I did not know that I would grow to despise pink…

Of any form.

Baby

Rose

Fushia

Blush

Salmon’esque

Bleek! All of them.

 

I now know?

 

That oatmeal can end up in your ear…

 

Your Blackberry…

 

Your Shoes.

 

I was unaware you see…

that I could fit in a toddler carseat…

when installing and testing it.

 

I did not know that I could…

Make eggs

Put on a toddler coat

Secure a slipping diaper

Repair a broken Princess slipper

Catch a falling sippy mug

Put on lip gloss

ALL?

at the same time.

ALL?

Seemingly unnoticed.

And apparently unappreciated.

 

I was unprepared for the fact…

 

That I will never again take/receive

 

An uninterrupted phone call.   PERIOD!!!

 

Surprised was I…

When?

On a repeated basis…

My superior negotiation skills…

Were trumped by a 4 year old.

 

I failed to realize…

That pee’ing

Is an invitation…

To toddler masses round the world.

To enter your pod of privacy…

Ask ridiculous questions

Whine

Pester

Finally commenting on your bumpy butt.

 

I was unaware

and was not expecting…

Any?

All?

Of this.

And?

That I love these little beasts

SO MUCH

None of this stuff really matters

            Most of the time.

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2011 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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