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Category Archives: Southern

South of the Mason Dixon Line

 

There are things you do not want to hear

or know about,

From your family.

Your kids.

And certainly your mother.

Especially when you mother is Southern.

 

When your mama is Southern…

all comments come with a tinge of judgement.

It is not intended you see.. 

Just a consequence of being born and raised,

 south of the Mason Dixon line.

 

Such as:

 

“Kelly Lynn!” 

 “What?”

 

“What is wrong with Landon’s shoes?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well they look awful…

Like she drug her feet out of from underneath the car.”

 

What?

are you like the Flintstones now?

 

“Mom, she wears them everyday.”

 

“Well I swainee, I never seen such a thing…

that is a crime…

a real disgrace.”

 

ACCCCKKK!

ACCCCKKK!

 

So over the holidays

My mom was here.

 

And one day…

She said:

 

“Kelly Lynn!

 

 Kelly Lynn!!!

can you hear me over the racket.”

(the racket?

was…

Kathie Lee and Hoda)

 

 

“I think George is horny”

(George is a cat)

 

OMG

does she even know what that means?

 

If I do not answer…she will stop, right?

 

“Kelly Lynn!

Can’t you here me talkin’ a’ you?

George is makin’ dough on Clooney

(other cat)

And looking at her.

He is rubbin’ all over her.

I think he wants to get him some.”

 

ACCKKKKK!

 

You might want to do something about that.”

First…

 

Both cats are basically androgynous at this point

so not likely the issue.

 

 Secondly…

 

What could I possibly do to “do something”?

 

Ah yes…

 

I know.

 

 DRINK

 

 

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 11, 2014 in Parenthood, Parenting, Southern

 

American?

We’re pondering Mama’s holiday travel plans now…

Where to go?

How long to stay?

Her aisle seat.

Aisle seat is a Big Damn Deal for Mama.

 

“Kelly Lynn?

Did you get me an aisle seat?

You know I have to have me an aisle seat.

I have the claustrophobia…

You know…

It is terrible…

I get all affright”

 

Mama needs a mint julep.

 

“Mom…

I will try…

I cannot guarantee…

I don’t know how full the plane is”

 

“Well why not?”

That is just awful…

Awful I tell ya…

That they would be so mean to an old lady”

 

What??

 

“Mom, I promise I will do the best I can”

 

“well…

I cannot…

I swainee…

I will not…

Sit in the middle…

I will fight someone Kelly…

I will.

Kelly Lynn?

Did ye hear me?”

 

OMG how is this my fault?  Like I run the damn airline.

 

“Mom!”

 

“Kelly I am serious… I cannot come if I don’t have an aisle seat…

I’ll just sit here and watch my Desperate Housewives reruns…

By myself…

On Christmas”

Seriously?

Best delivery of the guilt trip?

Goes to?

MAMA

 

But this planning makes me remember the best part of our trip to Miami.

 

The trip is over.

In the cab…

On the way to the airport.

Tired and happy.

Ready for my own bed.

Our cab driver is?

From out of town.

His name is Aashir.

We have a bit of a language barrier.

But not as bad as Mama’s.

 

Rounding the bend at the airport.

I say…

 

“sir… we are American”

 

“okay ma’am”

 

Mama chimes in:

“Kelly Lynn…

I reckon he knows that…

Don’t you think he can hear us talkin’?”

 

“Mom…

I meant our airline”

 

“Oh”

 

And honest to God…

That was the funniest moment of the entire trip.

I laughed until I slid down in the floorboard…

 

And Mama?

Just look bewildered…

And declared her daughter to be crazy and?

RUDE

 

Enjoy this…

I did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on October 10, 2011 in Southern, Travel, Traveling with kids

 

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Cheap and Fun

No…

That is not my tagline on Match.

Geez!

 

I am just sharing a little find for tots.

http://www.homeimproverclub.com/kidsworkshops.aspx

 

So at Home Depot

at least here in Cod’o’rado

(which is how a 4 year old pronounces it)

On the first Saturday of the month

They have a free project.

It is all for kids and it is FREE!!

That means:

Supplies

Home Depot custom apron

(which means they write your kid’s name on it)

And whatever you make.

Now it is nothing like new cabinets or anything but!

It Is FREE!

 

That was our fun find when Grandma and Grandpa were here earlier this month.

Cute Cute Cute

 

Grandpa and Landon…

they made a dry erase board.

 

Landon was quite proud of her creation.

Grandpa fared well too…

No smashed thumbs…

No curse words (at least that were audible).

 

So I wondered off for a coffee while the masterpiece was being built…

Only to find both Grandpa and Landon finished with their project…

swinging in the discontinued outdoor furniture…

an hour later

and Landon receiving bits of wisdom such as:

“You tell Mommy that ice cream with chocolate syrup and peanuts is a right fine dinner…

jis skip the broccoli and chickin”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

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Ellie Mae

I was on a conference call recently with several of my work colleagues – they were all from Atlanta.

And even though I have been in Denver over 8 years, I went straight back…

got my twang on.

 

To the degree that…

When I hung up I got an immediate call from Lisa, my colleague, and she said:

OMG We are like twins... except for the blonde hair and I ain't got no boobies.

“what the hell was that?  You were like Ellie Mae Clampett”

 

“I was?”

 

“um yea… like how are yer’ critters down at the cement pond?”

 

Smart ass girl.

 

“What was all that? It was like… like a foreign language”

 

Smart ass city slicker girl.

 

So for her and for you I will provide a bit of translation.

 

 

“Diddy” is the man who paid for 4-6 years of drinking and well coordinated sorority wear.

that’d be your education.

And he is also your father.

Fiddy-fi – 55 or the legal speed limit on most major highways in Alabama.

And my own diddy’s signature phrase.

 

Swimming pooh – That is not a typo.

you do not need a L for your pool in the south.

It is like a pooh bear.

 

Reckon – means to cipher, to ponder, to think.

I personally don’t do a lot of reckoning; it hurts my head.

 

Fixin is kind of the same as about to.   I am about to go to the store or  I am fixin’ to go to the store.

 

Sit a spell – “a spell” has never been defined to me.  I think it is just how ever long you care to sit or until you need some more sweet tea.

 

Shooga (sugar) – this is what your mama puts 6 cups of in her ambrosia.

Ambrosia – some god awful desert you will be forced to eat at each and every major holiday.

And shooga is a kiss.

Used in a sentence.

“Come here to ye ol granddaddy and give me some shooga.”

 

Butta – is what you put on most anything and everything.

Slather that on my friend and don’t look back.

 

Yonder – There is no limit on yonder.  It may be a foot in front of you or 20 miles down the road.

 

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit -

basically is the same as “Well I Never” or “I Swainee”  (my mom’s favorite)

you are just surprised as hell.

 

Full as a tick – your tummy is happy happy happy.

 

Beat with an ugly stick – I am sorry but…

you are just not pretty.

 

Rode hard and put up wet -

it is a sad truth but you have probably been ugly for a while now…

and could likely use a good moisturizer.

 

Ain’t got a pot to piss in – you should get a job.

 

Sittin’ round here like a bump on a log – you are lazy and you need to get a job too.

 

Well tie me to a pig and roll me in the mud – I got nothing on this one…

it just sounds like a redneck to me.

 

Plumb tuckered out – You?  Is tired.

 

Too big for your britches – you need an attitude adjustment.

 

That is a gracious plenty – damn girl, ease up on the mashed potatoes.

 

Purty— you are pleasing to the eye.

And used in a sentence: You are as purty as a speckled pup.

you are cute like a dog.

 

You can thank me later for this little education.

You will now be better equipped to work with Southern clients, in-laws, church-goers and much more.

Bye ya’ll!

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2011 in Southern

 

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