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Da King

23 May

I?

Do not eat a lot of candy.

But?

My daughter had some milk duds.

So she shared one with me.

We?

Encourage sharing.

Except for germs

And my lip gloss.

 

It was so yummy. 

Brought me back to my childhood

And my husky jeans.

Mmmmm

Mmmmm

Crunch

 

Oh!

 

They have nuts in them now.

I had no idea.

 

And then?

There was pain.

OMG

Pain!

Because?

Twas not a nut

But my crown.

The one now in my hand.

 

Landon?

 Is beside herself.

“MOMMY!

Da toothfairy is gonna comes and gives a present.”

 

Yes a big fat dental bill.

 

“well honey”

I explain…

“this is actually a crown”

 

“why do you have a crown Mommy?

It doesn’t look like a crown to me Mommy.”

 

How do you explain poor dental hygiene to a 5 year old?

 

I cannot believe this.

One little caramelly indiscretion!

DAMNIT!

 

I cannot deal with all of this

And retire early.

 

I awaken to squeals…

“what did you gets from da toothfairy?”

 

Landon is devastated when she lifts my pillow to find?

No coins

Dollars

Or toy of any sort.

 

She asks 

“Mommy…What did you do with your King?”

 

….ah he has …like…left the building.

 

She stands there…

Staring at my mouth.

Looking for my “king”

And I had a wonderful chuckle the entire day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on May 23, 2012 in Dentist, Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting, Toddler

 

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The Imbecile

10 May

I like good manners

In kids

And they?

Are  rare.

I like

Please

Thank you

Sir

Ma’am

Etc.

 

Perhaps it is my Southern upbringing

Or my experience working at Toys R Us

But I like me some manners.

 

Which is why I hammer the girls about proper manners

And most of the time…

They are good.

 

But?

 

Wednesday morning…

Landon is putz’ing

She?

Is a professional putzer.

I call her 3 times to put on her shoes.

 

I raise my voice on the third request…

“LANDON”

Her response …

“WHAT!”

Oh no she di’int…

 

“Is that how do you speak to me?”

The rolling of the eyes has started.

I am an imbecile

To the third power.

SIGH

HIP POP

HANDS TO GOD IN DESPAIR

And then she says:

“WHAT….

Ma’am”

 

 

OMG that little stinker.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on May 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Trippin’

05 May

Recently I took the girls on a trip

Me for business.

Them?

For annoyance.

It?

Was  a

L

O

N

G

Trip

We boarded the plane and are seated

Safe and secure in our private row

I am trying to satisfy Tennyson’s growing hunger

With a variety of tasty treats.

“Um Mom…”

It is the man in front of me.

Is he talking to me?”

“Um…there is a lot of kicking going on back there…

Can you help me out a little bit and see if she can stop doing that?”

UGH

I explain how that man was so nice to ask us like that

And we need to respect his seat…

and not kick it like a crazy person.

And also that he has two brothers

the Easter Bunny

and

Santa Claus…

And we do NOT want him to make that call…

now do we?

 

The captain comes on to tell us there is….

“a minor issue”

And that?

“we should be under way soon”

Which takes me to a place somewhere between irritation

And TERROR

Because if it is truly so minor?

Why are you telling us.

Or?

do you just need a couple of extra minutes

to finish your Caramel Machhiato?

I encourage the girls to look at the interesting sites outside the plane

while we wait.

Men in orange shirts.

Not interesting.

Grass

Also not intriguing.

Planes?

That is interesting.

“Why don’t you girls count the planes you see?”

Landon:

one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen…

THIRTEEN.I see thirteen”

 

“Great job honey  Tenny how about you?”

Tenny:

“One, two, tree, foh, five, seven, eleventeen, eight, twelve! Twelve airpanes!”

 

This is the funniest damn thing the three rows around us,,,

have ever heard…

And they all hear it because?

We are still holding for our non-issue.

 

The man behind us is flirting with my girls.

A welcome diversion.

Very nice…

And?

A redneck.

Scruffy hair

Untucked shirt

And has not seen a razor in a month of Sundays.

 

Landon is now standing in the seat.

And He?

Smiles

A toothless smile.

I know it is coming but cannot put my hand over her mouth…

Before?

it escapes.

“Oh… did you already lose a tooth?”

OMG

Landon is all about the tooth fairy now,

Because she knows she will soon receive a present from the little sprite.

I try not to stare at the gaping hole in his mouth…

“Oh sir…I am SO SORRY”

 

The redneck is so nice….

“Don’t worry about it…

kids don’t mean anything…

they just call is like they see it.”

 

And then?

People…

He gave my daughter…

a 5 year old…

his IPHONE to play with.

Brand new.

This man?

Who cannot afford a razor,

Nor dental care apparently.

Has a brand new IPHONE.

 

Hmmm!

Landon?

Wants to marry him now.

GREAT!

we’ll have the reception at the KFC.

 

 

……………more on our travel adventures later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on May 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Levity

25 Apr

We went to see my sister and her family recently.

En route ….

we stayed at a hotel.

My girls?

loved the bed the most.


Do you blame them?

 

Their cousins…

have a trampoline.

a HUGE trampoline.

People?

it is fun….

really fun.

Like I am going to pee right here…

I am laughing so hard..

FUN!

 

I want one.

Something about jumping up and down…

with your hair blowing in the breeze…

and tiny boobies barely moving…

just takes away the stress.

 

You feel like a kid again…

Like you are light

and airy…

and like you really don’t have 6 hours of work ahead of you.

 

My older niece is 13.

My children think she hung the moon.

She?

is certain that she did.

 

My niece and I am bouncing together.

Trying to see who can bounce the other higher.

She won.

And then stated.

“Aunt Kelly….

you are not bouncing me as high as I am bouncing you…

Is that because…

you are a vegetarian?”

 

?

?

?

 

because everyone knows that a good rib-eye gives you more bounce-ability!

BOING!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2012 in Misbehaving, Painting, Parenthood, Teenagers

 

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The Royal Toilet

16 Apr

This?


Is the newest addition to our house.

It is an effort.

Plea.

Act of desperation.

To get Tennyson potty trained.

 

She is close.

And most of the time will hit the target.

But there are times,

When?

She does not.

Maybe she just cannot make the extra 6 steps to the potty…

Or ?

She?

 

Is mad at Mommy for not giving her more candy

And she makes a mistake.

And it?

Always happens when we are walking out the door…

And late.

So I bought this.

A sure fire remedy…

The commissioned salesperson told me…

At the store.

When you sit on it.

And pee.

It says

“YEAH!!”

or

“Yippee!”

or

plays a royal tune:

“DA DA DUM!”

 

This?

Has been a magnet to small children.

Tennyson now?

Drinks water so she will have to pee.

 

I am so happy

SO

Happy.

 

Landon has taken to using it too.

Which?

Looks ridiculous

as you will see.


Its 7:20 a.m. here in this picture.

But from the looks of her…

You would think I drug her out of a bar at last call.

 

So…

I cannot tell you how proud I am of myself for this purchase.

 

I drift off to dreamland

Knowing I have won this one.

And then?

 

“YEAH!”

What?

 

Followed by

“YEAH!”

“YIPPEE!

 

Hmmmm

I investigate.

The cats are in the bathroom on the floor

Playing with a toy mouse.

together in a joint cat rolling ball.

And the vibration of one 8 pound cat …

And one HOSS cat of 18 pounds…

flopping around on the floor

Has caused the royal toilet to?

Flip freakin’ out.

“Yeah!”

“DA DA DUM”

“DA DA DUM”

“DA DA DUM”

“DA DA DUM”

“DA DA DUM”

 

Its in a damn loop!

OMG!

I can’t take it.

The royal toilet is now upside down.

And the batteries are somewhere,

on the next block over.

Because?

I chucked em.

And I?

Have once again lost the battle with a toddler.

 
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Posted by on April 16, 2012 in Bedtime, Parenthood, Parenting, Poop, Potty, Princess

 

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The Trip to Guilty

05 Apr

I wonder.

Is it just me?

Because I am single.

And there is only one parent…

One me.

Is that the reason I am…

Utterly worn out.

Each

And

Every

Day

 

 

A boss once told me …

The guilt never goes away.

He meant with his kids.

And I didn’t get it then.

I do…

Now.

 

I feel guilty as a single mom…

That I don’t have enough time to play with my girls,

Really enjoy them.

 

Guilty?

That I yelled at Landon…

When she didn’t clean up her barbies.

Or Tenny

When she poops in her big girl panties.

While standing IN THE BATHROOM.

 

Guilty…

That I can’t spend as much time teaching Landon to ride her bike.

Because there is only one of me

And I need to be…

Catching her sister,

as she runs to towards the busy street.

 

I feel bad

That?

Tennyson doesn’t get as much one on one time with me,

Like Landon did.

Because she came second.

 

I feel guilty that?

Last night’s vegetable…

Was a can of black beans.

a choice I later regretted

when Landon ate 3/4 of the can….

By herself…

If you catch my drift

Pun intended

 

 

I have guilt that I forgot Tennyson’s snow boots

And she couldn’t play outside with her friends

Last week.

 

I feel guilty that I have to work so much lately

And that it is taking time from my kids.

And?

I hate that I am so excited about this new job…

And am enjoying it.

 

 

I am guilty of reaching for the short books before bedtime.

Or skipping a sentence,

or two,

to expedite the process….

Okay sometimes even a paragraph.

And am grateful the girls cannot read yet.

 

 

 

I feel terrible that I cannot wait to go for sushi Friday night with my friend.

When I should really be here watching Bubble Guppies with the girls.

 

I wonder if it is just me?

Is it?

Is IT??

Who feels all this guilt?

Is it just part of parenting?

Is there an herb…

Or cocktail…

to make it all go away?

 

And then…

Tenny says…

“I misses you Mommy”

as I walk down the hall.

 

And Landon as she is headed to dreamland…

“Mommy?”

 

“Yes ma’am?”

I squeak out

Barely audible

Because I am just too tired

To utter more than a whisper.

 

“you are…

Da best mama”

 

 

So maybe?

I am not doing such a bad job.

After all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on April 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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Crazy Hat Day

29 Mar

Has this ever happened to you?

“Mommy I need some cupcakes for school.”

“Ok sure honey… when do you need them?”

“In da morning.”

“WHAT?!”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I didn’t needs dem then”

“oh”

Well.

We get home from school.

I heat the leftover mac & cheese.

And prepare another gourmet meal.

“Mommy?”

“Yes”

“Tomorrow is crazy hat day at school.”

Why?

Really why?

Is this necessary for her overall educational development?

We have crazy hat day,

Backwards day,

Pajama day

Dr. Seuss birthday celebration day,

Toy that starts with G day…

ACCKK!

“okay, can you wear that baseball cap?”

“MOM!!!”

“it has to be crazy… not like dat”

We?

do not have crazy hats.

We have?

Winter hats

Cowboy Hats

Baseball caps

and Tiaras

What in the heck am I to do?

Landon rounding the corner.

“I likes dis one.”

It my signature black cap that reads…

“Got Wine?”

Hell no!

What would I wear Monday through Friday?

“No honey… you can’t have that.”

“BUT MOM!!!!

What will I wear?

It has to be crazy”

Can you put me on your head  – I am thinking?  I am certainly crazy

“Just go to bed…

I’ll figure it out”

Right after world peace…

And the ridiculous way Donald Trump wears his hair.

I dig through my closet,

The craft box,

The toy chest.

I have a pile of junk…

Holiday bows…

And an old witch hat.

I commence to creating.

 

The finished product:

Complete with a fake fruit from the kids’ kitchen,

Wrinkly silver bows,

A cat toy,

And a rogue ping pong ball.

 

I am just about done with my masterpiece when?

“MOM!?”

 

DAMNIT.

 

The glue gun went awry…

Presenting a layer of glue….

Across my fingers.

OMG

OMG

OMG

 … That hurt.

Seriously …after two hours,

I still couldn’t feel my fingers.

That is likely because the top three layers of  skin…

Are now gone.

And?

There is a large glue glob…

On my Pottery Barn table.

Which?

When removed?

Has left a 2 ¼ inch mark where the black paint

Once was.

And tomorrow friends?

Is Mommy is pissed day.

 
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Posted by on March 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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The Bun

20 Mar

We are taking ballet now.

Landon…

that is to say.

 

I bought the ballet costume this weekend.

And she?

Is JUST BESIDE HERSELF

Cannot take her eyes off of herself.

Danced til she could dance no more.

 

But what I have told Ms. Landon is…

Ballerinas?

Mind their mamas…

Go to bed on time…

And do not have stringy hair.

True?

Yes…

it is.

 

I have told her…

“you have to have your hair back…

In a ponytail…

or a bun…

Or you can’t do ballet”

It?

Is the ballet teacher’s rule.

I LOVE her.

Wish every day was Monday.

 

Because?

most days Landon fixes her own hair.

Which involves brushing it over her eyes.

And that is about all.

I still have some control…

over Tennyson’s curly locks…

That will change soon,

when I can no longer hold her down.

 

So last night,

When Landon asked me…

For some’ting to eat…

for the third time,

Had to “go potty”…

for the fourth time,

and was busted for sneaking books and a flashlight under the covers.

I?

Was annoyed.

 

I mean I just dropped 50 bucks on a pink tutu and accessories.

Is a little obedience too much to ask for?

 

And also?

I was recalling the joint effort of my children…

To break my new luggage…

While using it as a means of transportation.

As is evidenced above.

 

I?

Was not happy…

when I went to bed.

 

The morning comes and it is time to get going.

Tennyson has been up since 5:45 eating her soy sausages

she eats them every morning…

Wakes up saying “I hungy” and “sausage”

Not “good morning my sweet mother”

I was ready for the normal delays…

And drama.

I call for the ballerina to arise.

Once

Twice

Ready for my third attempt…

But up she hops

And finds me in the bathroom…

 

She said:

“Mama,

Can you put my hair…

In a hot dog bun…

For ballet?”

 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

 

I laughed so violently that I inhaled a bit of Tom’s Wintermint toothpaste.

Which?

Is an eye opening experience, let me tell you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on March 20, 2012 in Dancing, Toddler

 

Going to JuJu’s

14 Mar

Late afternoon on a Saturday.

I have declined the repeated pleas for?

More TV…

And a bunny rabbit.

 

I am wiping down the bathroom sink.

 

I feel the eyes of condemnation upon me.

They are my Landon.

5 and full of herself.

 

But now…

She is clad in all her dress up

I mean just about the entire trunk of dress up.

Blue dress

Matching elbow length gloves

Silver glitter pumps

5 bracelets on the right

3 on the left

Her pocketbook

Full of marbles

And princess dominoes

…because you just never know what you will need

White chunky pearl necklace

Think Barbara Bush

As a toddler.

 

“Mommy…

I leaving”

 

“You are”

 

“Yes!

I leaving…

I’m done wit dis”

 

“Okay…

And where might you be going?”

 

“I am going to Grandma JuJu’s…

She says she has a house in abalama…

And they has nice beaches dere”

 

“and Mommy?”

 

“Yes”

 

“JuJu loves me…

And she will gives me what I want.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

And not to be outdone.

CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP

 

Tennyson arriving…

Wearing my size 8 ½ Steve Madden wooden clogs….

And a snow white costume.

 

It sounds?

like a Great Dane….

Is Riverdancing in my house.

 

“and where are you going little Miss?”

 

“wit Landon”

 

Pivot…

Turn…

March…

They go.

 

I am waiting…

Will they actually attempt to open the door?

 

Sneaking a peek.

 

ACCKKK…

Here they come…

Back to wiping the counter.

 

“We needs a get a snack…

For our long walk”

 

Down they sit…

Happy with their yogurt and sprinkles…

Forgetting all about their trip to Grandma JuJu’s

And leaving me to finish the bathroom.

And the yogurt mess they are now making.

They giggle…

and enjoy being little.

And I?

Enjoy watching it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on March 14, 2012 in Dress Up, Parenthood, Parenting, Princess

 

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No!

10 Mar

I remember watching women…

With their children.

In the mall.

At the market.

Getting a coffee.

Hearing

“No”

“No”

“No.”

 

I wondered.

Pondered.

Is that all they can say?

Why aren’t they enjoying motherhood?

Aren’t they happy?

 

I?

Would do this so much better.

You see.

 

Well?

Today…

Went like this?

 

 

“Mommy…

Can I have ice cream for breakfast?”

 

 “No”

 

“Mommy…

Can I paint my dolls face with you spensive lip gloss?”

 

“No”

 

“Mommy?

Will you get me a pony?”

 

“No”

 

“Mommy…

Can you find me a hands sum prince?”

 

“No”

Mommy gets a handsome prince first…

Lets be clear about that.

 

“Mommy…

Can you walks away from me…

Your mouth is tinky.”

 

“No”

What the hell?

 

“Mommy?

Can I have a sleepover at Roman’s?’

 

“NO!”

 

“Mommy?”

 

“No!

Whatever it is that you want…

Need?

Or are thinking about?

 

“NO”

“NO”

“NO”

 

“I jis wans a gives you a kiss Mommy”

 

I AM HORRIBLE!

 

So to all you Moms I judged…

I AM SO DAMN SORRY…

SAVE ME!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
4 Comments

Posted by on March 10, 2012 in Bedtime, Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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Bump Bed

06 Mar

I need to get my girls a new bed.

Probably a bunk bed.

Because?

They share a room.

And it is tiny.

So I have been marketing the new bed…

to the buyers…

a.k.a…

my kids.

Like it is a big deal…

“You girls are getting so big.

Mommy is so proud of you”…

sort of thing.

 

Well…

I have been super busy.

Busy like?

I cannot breathe…

with my new job.

Busy!

 

And Landon keeps asking me

“did you get my new bed today?”

Like I just sit around all day…

Shopping at Pottery Barn Kids

Online.

 

Last night…

As I am forcing her to go to bed.

Her hesitation…

And overall…

Lack of cooperation.

Is due?

She says.

To the fact that…

“her bed…jis not so comf’ble”

And?

“it is all your fault Mommy”

What the??

 

I am leaving the room…

For the 4th time

And she says…

“Mom…

I really needs you to gets me dat bed…

Da bump bed”

?

 

“What honey?”

“Yeah… I know it bees so high Mommy…

But I promise not to bumps my head…

on da sea-land”

How CUTE is that?!

 
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Posted by on March 6, 2012 in Bedtime, Misbehaving

 

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Emdopted

28 Feb

I have never lied to my girls.

They know they were adopted

Do they really “get” it?

Negatory

They don’t really get anything….

Unless?

It is pink

A toy

Or chocolate.

 

So the other day

I caught them…

With all their stuffed animals…

lined up…

one by one…

on Tenny’s bed.

 

Perplexed…

I asked?

 

“What are you guys doing?”

“Mom!

we are emdopting dees babies…

all dees baby animals”

 

So that left the door open.

To explain once again…

How we became a family.

 

I shared…

How they lived in a different country.

And how another really nice lady…

Actually had them in her tummy.

 

Which?

prompted Landon to ask…

“How we get in dere?”

 

And that?

I was not prepared to deal with…

a birds and bees discussion…

With a 3 and 5 year old…

Not just yet.

 

So I kept going…

Explaining that the lady couldn’t take care of them

So she asked God to find their Mommy.

And He picked me.

 

They are only half listening to me

Because?

The green puppy has lost his roller skate

And?

The orange monkey has fallen out of the crib…

On to his beanbag head.

 

I showed them my dance of joy

Upon getting the call…

that I would be their Mommy.

Which caused both of them to roll their eyes…

At my clear lack of “moves”

And rhythm of any sort.

 

I went through my trips to meet them…

and then bring them home.

That I brought them both presents.

And took a million pictures.

And how JuJu and Grandma Terri and Grandpa were SOOO happy.

How seriously cute are these two?

 

I am elated at my delivery.

It was magnificent.

Adoptive families all over the world…

Will seek me out…

for my expert communication skills.

 

I am met with Tennyson’s blank stare.

Who says “I wuvs you Mommy”

and takes Pooh for a timeout.

Landon?

Has stopped her emdoption work

With the 23 stuffed animals.

Looking at me with wide-eyed wonderment….

Surely feeling the luckiest and most special girl alive…

And says?

“Mom? That is da craziest ting…

 I ever heard.”

 

“What”

What is she talking about?!

I totally nailed that one…

I thought.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 28, 2012 in Adoption, Misbehaving

 

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Preaching To The Choir

23 Feb

We have had some birthday activity around here.

Two to be exact…

within one month

Plus Christmas

That means?

There are toys

E V E R Y W H E R E

I mean everywhere.

It is ludicrous.

So I think a good rule of thumb is

You?

As the child.

Have to?

Pick up your shit.

Right?

Can I hear an amen?!

 

This has not been happening.

Sunday after stepping on a lite bright peg

Which made me see the white light of God.

I swear.

And putting Barbie’s unreasonably high pink pumps on

3 times

In 4 minutes

Followed by putting away the dress up clothes

For the 5th time since lunch.

I was done!

I went a little mommy ballistic

Swiping a toy from

Each toddler

Til the situation?

Was rectified.

 

I even tried the clean up song.

Which?

Is gay…

but works at school.

And?

Is not as…

gay as this one.

And!

Amy Adams is just adorable you have to admit.

 

It took a while

To pick up 58 puzzle pieces

73 crayons

And 97 washable markers.

 

Upon completion…

Landon lands on the couch

Feet in the air…

 “Mom?

I am so t’red…

It be so hard…

Jis picking up all my stuff.”

Are you kidding me?

Sista you are preaching to the choir.

But she?

Sat on the couch

Hand to brow

Heaving chest.

You would have thought I made her clean the kitchen floor…

With?

Her tongue.

 Sissy girl!

 
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Posted by on February 23, 2012 in Misbehaving

 

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Too Much

20 Feb

There are days…

Weeks really.

That just suck.

Days?

Weeks?

When being a Mom…

Being me…

Is not fun.

Not even a little bit.

Girl?? You is screwed!

 

We all know the blue screen…

On our computer.

It is not a good sign.

Like a pause when you ask your man:

“do these jeans make me look fat?”

 

 

 

The blue screen means your computer is?

Almost dead.

And mine did…

Die.

All of a sudden, I went to:

Start

All Programs

And?

The word “Empty” displayed.

It might as well have said

“You?

Are F’ed missy.”

And Support?

Was soooooooo helpful…

When I reviewed the situation by saying…

“Oh! That is not good.”

Seriously?

 

And then I am Mom’ing my…

Nearly potty trained 3 year old.

She has it down…

I swear she does.

But twice today

2 TIMES

Twice?

She pee’d in her big girl panties.

And while scooching them off of her wet behind…

With the accompanying plastic pants…

I was sprayed with pee pee

In the face.

MY FACE!

My Bobbi Brown face!

WTF

 

Icing the cake that is my life.

This same 3 year old?

Used the tie to my cashmere hoodie…

The Cashmere tie…

To floss the cat’s butt

 

So?

I screamed my bloody head off.

And then?

I had a moment on the floor.

Head in my hands.

When I could take no more.

JUST NO MORE

 

I hear a tip toe…

The slide of bare feet…

On hardwood floor.

And she says…

My Tenny…

“Mommy I loves you in da morning”

And that?

Seemed to make it a little better

Perhaps a silver lining…

Well not really silver…

Maybe ash.

My computer?

Got restored.

Kind of ….

I am just missing all file folders from A to Ro.

Rp to Z?

we are GOLDEN

Oh well…

Tomorrow

Is another day

Full of intrigue and surprises.

I am?

a’scared.

 
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Posted by on February 20, 2012 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting, Poop, Potty

 

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New Yob

17 Feb

I have a new position.

I am getting promoted.

Yay Mama!

 

Mama is Very Excited.

 

Mama is going shopping.

 

Mama needs a new pair of shoes.

 

Mama needs to simmer down.

 

 

Mama told the girls.

“Mommy has a new job girls”

Landon….

            “You mean you gonna do more yoga”

I am not sure who that child thinks pays for all her hair ties and dress up.

 

Tennyson…

            “New yob

yob

yob

yob

What a yob?”

 

 

“No I will not being doing more yoga…

Well maybe I will.

Anywho…

A new yob is how Mommy makes money…

Contributes to the world.

Spends her time.

Talks with grown-ups…

you know?”

 

They?

do not! know.

do not! care.

 

“I have a new job…

I have a lot to take care of…

things to do…

New responsibilities”

 

WAAAA!!

WAAAAAAA!!!

WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

Landon is having a conniption fit.

“Mommy NO!!!”

 

“honey…

WHAT

Is it?”

 

“I don’t wants you to has a new job.

I wants you to still be my Mommy”

 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 17, 2012 in Yoga

 

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Locks

14 Feb

While watching the Grammies Sunday, Landon got a glimpse of one of the acts

The Foo Fighters

Dave Grohl

 

Oh My

And quiet for the first time in the entire day..

She said.

“Mommy is that what happens when you don’t brush your hair?

Like you always be telling me?”

 

And I ?

Seeing my opportunity

Said?

“Yes it is.”

And turned away…

because?

it wasn’t really a white lie.

I

Myself?

Said…

“What the hell?”

When I saw him.

 

A shuffle…

A scurry…

And she was gone.

 

Assuming she has discovered yet another way to postpone her slumber,

I find her

In the bathroom

Brushing her hair…

With fervor.

And vow…

to keep Tennyson up next time too..

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2012 in Music

 

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Observations … from the tub

09 Feb

The girls are in bed.

FINALLY

And!

Heaven!!

 

One of my favorite things!

Is a hot bath…

SCALDING

Steam rising.

As I breathe in the calm…

And allow them stress of the day to dissolve.

 

…but then!

“MOM!”

“WHAT!”

“Oh…dere you are.

What are you doing?”

 

This seems relatively obvious to me…

As I am naked in the tub.

“planning my next vacation…

A L O N E”

I mumble.

 

“Mommy what is dat?

Is dat your butt?”

“Bottom honey… and yes it is.”

 

“No!

On it?

dose tings.”

Sweet Lord above!

“It is Cellulite”

 

“Well, how did it get back dere?”

why you has it back dere?”

 

As if this were a choice.

“Because life is not fair.”

 

“Mommy?

What’s dat?”

“What honey!”

 

“Dose”

“Oh…

Breasts…

Mommy’s breasts”

they tell you…

in Mommy school…

a.k.a.  the internet

to use the correct anatomical name

for body parts

not ta ta’s or bazoongas

 

“Oh…

Mines don’t look like dat”

“They will…

Give it time.

Gravity is not your friend.”

 

“Mommy!

You has an oui.”

“Where?”

 

“Right dere…

What happened?”

“Oh that.”

 

She has found my one varicose vein…

On my ankle.

I am pretty happy to only have one frankly.

“It is a broken vein”

 

“oh… can you fix it?

I think it is kind a gross.”

 sure…give me some super glue

 

Seriously child?

 

“Mommy?

Are you so relaxing?

In da tub.”

 

 

 

She?

Has pointed out every single one of my flaws.

Hell NO!

I am not relaxed.

In fact I think I might stroke out.

 

“Mommy…

I just gonna sits here and watch you…

I relax with you”

 

… and in the background I hear

“MOMMMYYY I poopy”

 Tennyson has awoken from her slumber…

To?

Crap

 

And I?

Put my head under water…

And pray for daylight.

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2012 in Poop, Potty, Uncategorized

 

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7A

05 Feb

I took a business trip recently.

It was divine.

And by divine?

I mean there were no children.

 

I was in the bulkhead…

Which means a little extra space.

For me…

Just me.

 

I close my eyes…

It is calm…

Even with the strangers passing by….

And the periodic bump of an errant bag or briefcase.

I start to doze.

I am so happy.

 

“Excuse me”

“EXCUSE ME”

“EXCUSE ME”

 

She cannot be talking to me.

CANNOT

CAN

NOT

BE

TALKING

TO

ME!

 

I am asleep.

I crack an eye…

And glance to my left.

 

“does your bunion bother you?”

 

WHAT?

WTF!

Swear!

Swear to God

She?

Said that to me.

A Total Stranger.

STRANGER!

While I was freakin’

A S L E E P

 

How could she disturb me?... look how pretty I am.

 

I am astounded

I cannot speak.

So she?

Does.

 “You know…

I had that surgery…

It took me 6 months to stand on my tip toes…

I had it on on December 29th…

And I don’t even remember New Year’s.

Mine was so painful…

I had to have my husband…”

Blah Blah Blah

 

What!?

 

I do not care about her foot issues.

But I am considering a request to move to 1st class…

on the grounds of harrassment.

 

And why?

is she looking at my feet.

 

Yes…

I do have a bunion

And it is not tiny…

But I mean you can’t..like… park a truck on it.

And folks!

My shoes were on.

I wasn’t dangling my feet in the aisle

like a redneck.

You could not see any of my foot imperfections…

Unless you?

Are a foot freak.

 

Whatever!

Crazy Lady

With INAPPROPRIATE boundaries.

 

And then?

I order a wine.

I hardly open my eyes.

 

But when I finally do…

Foot Fetish in 7A?

Is cutting me a look.

A look of condemnation.

Judging me for a little slice of bliss…

 

So I?

Slurped it.

LOUD.

LOUDLY.

 

Causing a quick head snap in my direction.

It?

Was funny.

So much so I laughed out loud.

While I thought to myself…

She?

Should get a magazine.

Or check out 8C…

I think that chick.

Has a bunion

Corns

And a  hammer toe.

 

I wish you non-intrusive travels!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on February 5, 2012 in Travel

 

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The Shit Prize

30 Jan

I?

Cooked poop today.

 

That?

Is not a reflection of my cooking ability.

Although there are times…

 

I washed poop.

Quite by accident.

Tenny is potty training.

And honestly?

We are there…

cept for that pesky pooping.

 

The girls are getting ready for school.

And by that I mean dragging every toy out and throwing it in the air.

 

Switching load #5 from the washer to the dryer.

Hmmm

What is that?

A marble?

How that did get in the washer?

You know I tell those girls all the time to take stuff out of their pockets.

I have one barrette, 2 lip glosses, 3 sticker sets and 47 jelly beans…

In my “washed” collection.

 

Round.

Brown.

Kind of shiny.

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 

Is this poop?

In my flippin’ washing machine.

It is!

It

Is

Poop!

I have washed poop.

Actually I have bleached poop.

Because it was the whites.

 

Grabbing the paper towel…

I snag the little sucker.

And I am just annoyed.

Annoyed that Tennyson is not able to poop in the potty yet.

Annoyed that I didn’t get all of poop out of her big girl panties.

JUST ANNOYED!

 

I give the washing machine tub a spin.

Just in case.

Like the Price is Right.

 

Only…

My prize is shit.

SHIT!

Ping

Ping

Ping

 

Little poop balls are firing around the washing tub.

So here I am

In my sweats

Half in

Half out

of the washing machine.

 

I hear the pad of little feet approach.

Tennyson approach’eth

 

“MOMMY!”

Which even though I know she is there…

Scares the crap out of me and makes me hit my head on the top of the washer.

“what is it?”

 

“Mommy?  What choo doin’?”

“I am cleaning poop out of the washer.”

 

“Mommy?”

“Yes?”

 

“dat nasty!”

 

Yea…no kidding.

 

So I clean out the poop.

409 the washer

Run load #5 again as load #6…

on the 2 hour sanitize wash…

And get the kids to school.

All the while wondering…

why?

Me?

 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 30, 2012 in Misbehaving, Poop, Potty, Uncategorized

 

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Yo Lady!

28 Jan

There are days…

when life is just funny.

You know?

Or maybe I am just…

punchy?

from lack of sleep…

and almost anything is funny.

 

On our way….

to the grocery store.

Two in tow.

I am already nervous.

Wishing I had added a little Baileys to my coffee.

 

“Mama?”

“Yes ma’am”

 

“Did you know…”

and here we go…

a riveting story is sure to follow.

 

“Mommy?

Did you know…

dat dere R dinosaurs under da ground…

AND!

If  you say…

Yo Yo Lady

dey will come out

And be with Jessie and Woody.

YO YO LADY

What?!

Why?

would yoddling?

resurrect a dinosaur and…

WHY?

Would he hang out with Jessie and Woody?

Don’t you think he would be cranky from having his nap disturbed…

and then eat them both?

I am not following her logic.

Is it me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 28, 2012 in Communicating with Children, communication, Misbehaving, Parenting

 

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Chill Out!

24 Jan

It was not my finest Mommy moment.

I poured water on my kids’ heads.

R E L A X…

I didn’t drown them…

Just cooled them off..

 

But …

In my defense…

It was a day…

You know what I mean…

Just a helluva day.

And girls…

When in a group of two or more…

S C R E A M

They scream.

For no reason…

Other than that they can.

 

Mine are no exception.

 

At 6:00 p.m.

I can take no more.

 

In the bath.

 

SCREAMING

SCREAMING

SCREAMING

 

The kind that makes you shake.

Honest to God…

I prayed for just one minute of quiet.

Moms?

You know what I mean.

 

I could take no more.

So I went to the kitchen.

And filled up a big cup.

With?

Cold water.

You thought I was going to say wine …. didn’t you?

From the fridge.

 

I walked calmly to the bathroom.

Both cherubs look at me?

Laughed!

And continue to scream!

After me asking them to stop…

Like 8 times.

 

So I leaned in.

Suggested they might need to make better choices.

Raised my arm…

And poured 24 ounces of cold water on their heads.

Seemed natural to me…

As their behavior was indicating they needed to cool off.

 

Well!

Let me tell you…

It was quiet.

Quiet!

And Landon…

Had  a?

conniption

Fit..

 

“Mommy…

Dat not nice…

Why you do dat…

Why you be so freezing us?”

“Mommy…

Dat was not an ax’dent…

Was it Mommy?

Was dat an ax’dent?”

 

Hell No!

Dat was not an ax’dent.

Tennyson?

Just could not believe it.

She just looked at me like:

“I cannot believe you did that?

We were only screaming at a level?

to cause permanent hearing loss…

to anyone within a 5 mile radius.”

 

But for a moment I could breathe…

Was I proud of that?

No.

Do I think I will hear from Dr. Spock ….

(and yes I know he would be calling from his grave… but go with me)

About adding my technique to his next edition.

I do not.

 

But do you know what happened?

Well…

 

“Mommy?”

 “Yes…”

 “can do dat again?”

 

What the hell?

They like it now???

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 24, 2012 in Misbehaving, Toddler

 

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What the What??

22 Jan

Landon?

Has a friend

A boy….

Friend.

Joseph.

He is cute.

And?

Knows it.

His mom and dad…

very nice.

So when I was asked for a playdate…

Sure!

 

And then?

The father said:

“Joseph just loves Landon”

 

Why wouldn’t he?

“Yes”… Dad says.

“when we were on vacation,

he asked to use my phone

so he could check on his girlfriend Landon.”

 

HOW CUTE IS THAT??

 

He continues…

“Joseph told me…

when he grows up,

and moves out of the house,

he is going to move in with Landon…

and God is going to cut open her tummy

and put his baby in it.”

What the hell do you people watch on TV?

WTF

 
2 Comments

Posted by on January 22, 2012 in Misbehaving, Parenthood, Parenting

 

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The Art of The TP

20 Jan

As a household of 3 girls…

We?

Use a lot of toilet paper.

A LOT!

 

Because you know…

It?

can be used for a multitude of things:

stool when appropriately placed beneath both feet

facilitates the reach of things to which you have no bid’ness gettng in to

ball of sorts to hurl at your tinker toy creation

material for a mock straightjacket

for our younger and more naive sister

pillow for the kitty

who will then leave because you have interrupted her esteemed repose

a diaper

for your baby doll

And of course…

to wipe your bottom

Which you rarely do as a 3 and 5 year old

And you NEVER flush the damn potty.

 

But?

I discovered last week…

Post return from a massive Target shopping extravaganza.

It is a also a decorating tool.

Oh yes.

Nate Berkus inspired.

You know he is always saying to use your vertical space.

“go up” he says…

especially in small spaces.

 

Well?

Landon helped me unload the groceries?

And she?

put away the toilet paper.

Like this!

26 rolls of TP stacked floor to ceiling.

26

About 4 1/2 feet high.

She was so proud.

Do you think this is what Nate had in mind?

 
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Posted by on January 20, 2012 in Misbehaving, Painting, Parenthood, Potty

 

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Why Mommy?

19 Jan

“Girls …

how was your day?”

 

“Brendon said his Daddy is moving out of dere house”

 

“Uh oh”

 

“I pee in da potty”

 

“Great job Tenny”

 

 ”Naomi hates her Mommy’s brussel sprouts”

 

“I pee in da  toe’let.

da toe’let

da toe’let

da toe’let”

 

“Okay I get it Tennyson”

 

“Lizbeth has an uncle with a boyfriend.”

 

“Oh”

 

“And Mom?

I saw King Loser?”

 

What?

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Yep Mr. King Loser?

His picture is everywhere….

Mr. King Loser was a good man Mom…

He just wanted everyone to be so nice to everyones else.”

 

“Honey?

…do you mean Martin Luther King Jr.?”

“Yeah…dat is him.

And Mom!

Did you know…

Somebody killed Mr. King Loser…

Dead.

And Mrs. King Loser was so berry sad.”

 

“Landon…his name is Martin Luther King Jr.”

“Dat what I said.

Mommy?

And did you know dat mean man?

Dat killed Mr. King Loser?

He got a time out…

For a really long time?”

 

“Mom?

Why he do dat?

Why was he so mean to dat nice Mr. King Loser?”

 

“Oh honey…

I wish I knew.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2012 in Communicating with Children

 

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Lil’ Toot

16 Jan

Do you ever toot?

I know you do.

We all toot.

 

I normally have a good handle on this sort of thing?

 

BUT…

BUTT????

Hahahaha

Yesterday we had Wahoo Fish Tacos.

YUMMORAMA!

Well…

Everything they have has beans.

They are DIVINE.

But…

Butt!

 

This one particular time…

They did not “agree”

With Mama.

So Mama?

Had a little Gas.

Ooops!

I hear…

“OH MY GOSH!!!”

“PEEEE—UUUUU”

“Tenny…

Dat is jis terr’ble.

Mom…

Make her stop dat.

I gonna bees sick.”

“PEEEE-UUUUUU”

 

Fingers holding nose.

“MOM!!!

Make her stop DAT!!”

 

All the while I am quiet.

Well…

I was not saying anything.

My bottom however,

was not quiet.

And then?

I was laughing…

Crying…

Spitting…

Convulsing.

“Mom…

Dis is not so berry funny….

Tenny did a terr’ble stinky.

I needs a new room…

It is skusting.

(disgusting)

You needs to get her a new room…

I don’t want her to be in mines.”

 

I?

Said Nothing.

I?

Cannot…

Speak.

Shuffle to the door.

Spit

Cackle

Howl

I

Have

To

Get

Outside

Because

They

Will

Know

TWAS

I

Who

Did

The

Stinky.

 

I am sure this will catch up with me.

But?

For that day?

That one day.

I pulled a fast…

and stinky one.

 
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Posted by on January 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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