Mama is Southern.
We have established that.
And so when we were in Miami on our trip recently…
Well…
some things were just tough for Mama to reckon with.
‘
Time for lunch.
At the spa.
Canyon Ranch Miami
To be exact.
I picked this spa…
Because it was on the beach…
The rooms are huge with separate bedrooms…
(which means Mama and I can get “liquor’d up while the kids sleep in the other room)
And because they have a kids’ menu.
That is a big deal.
Try making a kid happy with an organic quinoa salad
Or steamed halibut
Not happening!
So I order the hot dog
Which is on an organic whole wheat bun.
Whatever!
The hot dog?
All natural of course.
All natural is VERY big at the Canyon Ranch.
“okay so I’ll have that w/ fries …
Two of them”
Rene’ (our waiter) clears his throat.
“um… miss…
We do not have fries…
We offer spa cuisine even for our little ones…
I can bring you roasted garlic and mushroom baby potatoes”
Oh please do and then step back…
Because my kids are going to be hurling those at the window.
“ah… no that won’t work”
“well… we do have artichoke fries…
They will not even know the difference”
What?
Do you seriously think a 2 and 4 year old are not going to be able to tell an artichoke from French fries?
These girls are not stupid.
But?
I agree to try it.
8 ½ minutes later spa kids’ meals arrive.
With Mama’s beer.
She asked for a “lite” beer.
“Mich Lite?”
“No”
“Miller Lite”
“No”
“Bud Lite?”
“No”
”Ma’am… we serve only organic, imported beer”
SUPER!
Of the 5 beer options?
I could pronounce none…
And I assure you Mama could not.
Rene’ chooses for us.
One bite of the “fry” results in:
“BLAT! Dat nasty” from Landon.
Tears and food toss from Tenny.
The bun?
Brown and grainy (because it is actually good for you)…
looks like ants live on it.
Tenny HATES bugs.
HATES them…
Yelling… jumping up and down…
“Mommy yucky”
Did I mention we are on vacation? AT A SPA?
Day one.
First meal.
Catsup is my solution for most of my kids’ issues.
“Rene’?
this spa thing is not going over well with my non-spa kids…
Can I get some catsup over here”
“umm..”
Uh-oh
“we don’t have catsup…
“We have an organic
(OH GOOD GOD WITH THE DAMN ORGANIC ALREADY)
tomato puree that we use”
I am not a chef…
As my children will surely testify…
But is that not what catsup basically is?
Pureed tomoatoes?
(with salt and sugar and the harmful added preservatives)
Okay enough.
“Rene’…
Puree is 4 letter word with my girls.
For the next four days…
Every time you see us…
This tomato puree thing?
is catsup okay?”
The girls eat only the hot dog part—scooting the bumpy bun and artichoke “fries” on to the table.
Mama is drinking her 20 ounce beer Rene brought her.
20 ounces is enough to make Mama drunk for a week.
She is about 6 ounces in and says….
“Kelly?”
hand on hip.. chin lift for added emphasis
“I don’t know what you are paying for this place…
But I swainee…
you been overcharged”
Nuff said….
And then we went to the grocery store…
